Matt James says he and Rachael Kirkconnell 'had given enough power and control' to 'The Bachelor' after taping 'After The Final Rose'

• Matt James told Insider he wrote a book so he could tell his story on his own terms.
• James said he and girlfriend Rachael Kirkconnell see engagement as "the end goal."

When Insider virtually met Matt James to discuss his new book, "First Impressions: Off Screen Conversations with a Bachelor on Race, Family, and Forgiveness," he was in California, riding shotgun on his way to a restaurant in the Larchmont neighborhood of Los Angeles with his girlfriend Rachael Kirkconnell, who sat off-camera in the driver's seat.

She whispered phrases to help jog his memory when she couldn't help herself, like when we asked him to recall his favorite unaired memory with her. When Kirkconnell said the words "throwing up sushi," it prompted James to remember a date they had during season 25 of "The Bachelor." He had planned a date with her that involved an elaborate sushi spread because it's her favorite food. Except she hates cream cheese so much that she threw up something akin to a Philadelphia roll (salmon, cream cheese, and rice) after her first bite.

Anyone who follows them on social media can see that they're remarkably normal for a couple who has gone through so much in the public eye. James told Insider that's the way he'd like it to stay.

"What people didn't see after the 'After the Final Rose' is us walking off the stage hand-in-hand because we had given enough power and control and authority to that show over our relationship," he said, referring to the finale special of "The Bachelor," which aired March 15, 2021. The then-estranged couple didn't embrace on camera.

Little help was offered to them in return for their involvement in "The Bachelor" to ensure that they had the resources they needed to navigate "all this craziness that was going on," according to James.

The "craziness" James was referring to could be many things: He made history as the first Black lead on "The Bachelor"; as his season was airing, photos of Kirkconnell at a plantation-themed party surfaced on the internet, along with other allegations of Kirkconnell's past racist behavior, for which she later apologized; and after defending Kirkconnell during an interview with former "Bachelorette" lead Rachel Lindsay, longtime host Chris Harrison stepped away from the franchise.

The North Carolina native, who had a short stint in the NFL before turning to run a New York City charity, embraced the responsibility of being the first Black "Bachelor." But he stepped into the role with two goals — to fall in love and to tell his story. He told Insider he only fulfilled one of those goals on the show. So, he decided to "put pen to paper" to share the parts of his life he wishes America got to see more of on screen.

James felt 'honored' to be the first Black lead on 'The Bachelor'

"First Impressions" is not a typical "Bachelor" memoir. Why did you write it and what do you hope readers learn from it?

I felt like after my experience — I'm not going to lie — I was frustrated. There was so much that I had shared about myself, my family, and what I'd been through that never made that final cut for everybody to watch and get to know me and really feel what I have been through. I'm like, "If they're not going to see it on TV then I've got to put pen to paper."

As we started putting down on paper these different things that I've been through in my life and what I wanted to get out, they were the same themes that the show scratched the surface on and people all across the world were reaching out to me about how they resonated with my story. Whether that was my mom raising me and my brother as a single parent, my family members being in and out of jail, the ups and downs I've had in my professional life.

One surprising detail you mention almost right away in the book is that even after you accepted the role, you didn't realize you'd be the first Black lead on "The Bachelor." How did that make you feel once you did realize it?

I was honored. I didn't think about it in the context of being the first Black Bachelor initially. I thought about it as looking for someone to find love with and end up in a relationship with. It wasn't until after I accepted that role that everything else, all the pressure and all the responsibility from everyone to meet the expectations of what they wanted me to be set in.

It's like, "You know what you have to do. You know who you have to pick. You know who you have to be with." I'm like, "Shit. I don't know. Who do I have to be with? Who do I have to pick?"

Did you ever directly ask anyone at ABC why there had never been a Black lead before?

No, I feel that's equivalent to asking a child why they took the cookie out the cookie jar. Is there a right answer? You just want to see them squirm and see if they're going to be honest.

Frankly, it didn't matter. It was a step in the right direction. I was honored that I had been chosen to be that person to represent...what they wanted a Bachelor to look like.

Did you feel pressure to pick a Black woman at the end?

When I accepted that role as a Bachelor, my journey wouldn't be complete and it wouldn't be a thorough dive into what I was looking for if there wasn't every type of person there. Because that's what I was looking for.

I'm not attracted to a color. I'm attracted to a person. You could see that in my dating history. When you focus on things outside of that, then you get away from what the show's about — that's finding people that are compatible.

James said he and Kirkconnell weren't offered an 'olive branch' by 'The Bachelor' to help them deal with controversies

How did you and Rachael work to get to a good point in your relationship after the pictures from her past came up?

It was no secret by the end of the show that I had fallen in love with Rachael and that's who I wanted to leave with. It was real. It's exactly how I felt.

We probably didn't speak for a week or two. Then what people didn't see after the "After the Final Rose" is us walking off the stage hand-in-hand because we had given enough power and control and authority to that show over our relationship with little...offered in return in terms of an olive branch or some help that we needed while all this craziness is going on. We felt it was a very one-sided relationship.

I think our relationship has flourished since then because we've allowed it to live and exist outside of how a typical Bachelor-Bachelorette relationship lives and conforming to all the things that they want you to do as a Bachelor-Bachelorette couple. That just hasn't been our experience.

I don't want to speak for Rachael but I love where we're at. I'm very happy that she doesn't need that validation from the show to be a happy person and want to do and pursue the things that she wants to pursue. That's what makes us different.

Speaking of "After the Final Rose," both you and Rachael looked very uncomfortable filming that. Can you elaborate on how difficult it was to be there?

I was just more so annoyed. We were just exhausted, beat up. It's like someone who has a job and they've lost their passion for it. They just go to work to go to work. That's how I felt. Something that was so joyful and so happy, all of that had been sucked out of what we had gone there to do. It was just painful. It was not fun.

The book mentions a very difficult conversation you and Rachael had in a car before truly reconciling. Can you elaborate on what was said?

That was a tough conversation, man. That was me asking for Rachel's forgiveness for just dropping the ball completely.

I had been promising her that we were going to get back together and we were working towards reconciling. All the while, I'm texting all these other girls and seeing if there's any feelings still there with people from my past and just being ... a dirtbag.

That's where the conversation begins. That it all blew up in my face and I didn't think we were ever going to speak again. That was over a year ago. We celebrated our year anniversary almost a week ago now. It's been great.

How do you feel about Chris Harrison stepping away from the franchise after the controversy surrounding his interview with Rachel Lindsay for "Extra?"

I think that as times change, new regimes are ushered in and you're seeing that take place now. I think everyone's doing a really good job, all things considered, especially trying to replace someone who is a pillar of the Bachelor Nation community.

James' on-screen conversation with his dad was 'awkward' but 'had to happen'

You discuss your relationship with your dad in detail in the book. Did you feel pressured by producers to invite him on "The Bachelor" so they could shape that story into what they wanted?

I wouldn't say that the producers convinced me. But for this to be a real experience and for these women to get all of me and address things that were in my past head-on, I had to do that for myself and for everyone who was there.

I couldn't ask them to be vulnerable if I wasn't willing to do that myself. It was something that had to happen and it was awkward. It was uncomfortable. It was harsh at times but it needed to happen.

Did you tell your dad about the book?

I have, yeah. He knows I've got a book coming out. I didn't run things past him. I didn't run things past anybody in my family because this is my experience. I'm sure that it's going to be hard for a bunch of people to read.

James says an engagement with Kirkconnell is his 'end goal'

How would you describe your relationship with "The Bachelor" and Bachelor Nation today?

Just a supporter from afar. My line's open to any "Bachelor" or "Bachelorette" alum that need someone to talk to; just the same way that was extended to me. Before I went on the show, I talked to practically every Bachelor and Bachelorette that I could get in contact with to make sure I knew what I was getting myself into. I would want to offer that to the next person just because it was so helpful.

Was your experience on "The Bachelor" successful?

The show's job or the goal of the show is to leave there, for the most part, engaged. But we're working towards that end goal. That's the end goal.

This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.

"First Impressions" is out now.