I ate like Robert Pattinson for a day and his cornflake-crust microwave pasta was so sugary, I'm amazed I have teeth left
- I ate like Robert Pattinson for a day and made the star's regular meals, which he detailed in an interview with GQ.
- Breakfast was plain porridge with protein powder sprinkled on top; lunch was a tin of tuna with tabasco sauce, eaten from the tin; and dinner was microwaved pasta with a cornflake, cheese, and ketchup crust.
- Pattinson's meals are designed to be made with as much speed and as little effort as possible, meaning there is no flavor but very little work.
- The infamous pasta dish was actually not that bad, despite looking a mess, although it was so sweet I had to stop after four mouthfuls.
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Robert Pattinson is making some rather controversial decisions in the kitchen. In an interview with GQ while in lockdown, the world's new Batman described his diet, with some of his regular 'meals' including a can of tuna and microwavable pasta with a cornflake crust.
Naturally, I decided to give Pattinson's diet a go for a day, and made all of the former "Twilight" star's favorite meals.
Breakfast consisted of plain porridge with protein powder 'sprinkled on top'
Pattinson's first meal of the day is, as he himself puts it, "extraordinarily easy" to make. It's literally just plain oatmeal, which I made with milk instead of water, with a scoop of protein powder "sprinkled on top."
He added: "I will barely even mix it up."
The only protein powder I had was egg-white, which isn't exactly the most flavourful of things to eat. Add that to plain oatmeal and you've got a bland bowl of beige. Vanilla protein powder would have tasted better, for sure, but it was the texture that was the worst thing about it.
The powder was so dry and mealy, it sucked the moisture from my mouth and I almost choked after a couple of spoons. It was like eating dust. In the end, I caved and scraped all of the powder off in order to make the meal edible.
Lunch was a tin of tuna with tabasco, eaten from the tin
There's a theme to Pattinson's diet: speed or laziness. Either way, this lunch was ready in the time it took to open the tin. So, seconds.
This meal was probably the best of the bunch, purely because how offensive can tuna be? It was fine. However, it was deceptively difficult to properly mix the tabasco sauce into the entirety of the tin, meaning that in every occasional mouthful I got a massive hit of the sour sauce.
I'm not a fan of the stuff anyway, but the flavour combination of salty fish and tangy tabasco is not one I'll be revisiting soon.
What made this dish worse was the experience of eating it out of a tin. Something about eating straight from a tin just made me feel gross, like a poor college student who is too lazy to wash a bowl. I'm convinced that putting it into a bowl would make the entire dish far easier to digest.
Dinner was microwaveable pasta with a cornflake and cheese crust and three tablespoons of sugar
Finally, the now-infamous pasta dish. I used Mel Magazine's handy recipe for this, and while making it I became convinced that Robert Pattinson is pulling a prank and seeing how many foolish journalists he can get to make this monstrosity. It is the only rational explanation.
In short, the dish is: pasta microwaved for eight minutes. Then, you set that aside and crush cornflakes with a tablespoon of sugar, on top of which you put a layer of cheddar, a layer of mozzarella (I didn't have mozzarella so used feta instead), then another layer of cheddar, and then another load of sugar.
Then, as if that was too boring, you put a heap of ketchup or tomato sauce and one last pile of sugar. Chuck the pasta on top of that and put a hollowed-out burger bun or slice of bread on top, and microwave the lot for eight minutes.
The result is an inedible pile of calories and sugar that set your teeth on edge just looking at it. My parents were imploring me not to eat it.
It smelt terrible in the microwave — a combination of warm cheese and ketchup combining with cornflakes, which looked like they were somehow burning, produced a weird, sour smell. 10 minutes felt like a long time for it to cook — it was whining and steaming after about six — but I stuck to Pattinson's recipe as faithfully as I could.
The result was this:
The bowl moulded all of the ingredients, crust and all, together perfectly, making it resemble some sort of demonic upside-down cake or strange pasta pie.
I expected a satisfying crunch when I cut into it, but the top crust, what with all the sugar, had almost caramelised so it was gooey and syrupy. It was hard to cut a slice, so I just gave up and dug in.
To my horror, I actually found myself sort of liking it. I don't have Italian ancestors, and if I did, they would have disowned me, but it's actually not nearly as bad it looks or sounds — the overriding flavor is just sugar. All you can taste is sweetness, with the occasional tang of cheese.
I managed to convince my parents to try it, too, and they weren't offended by it, either.
At first, I could kind of see why Pattinson enjoys this much so mess. But after about four mouthfuls, my teeth had been overloaded by sugar. It was too much. My molars ached, and I had to brush my teeth.
Surely, Pattinson can't finish the entire thing to himself? You would genuinely have no teeth left if you did, and your cholesterol would skyrocket.
My mum suggested putting it out in the garden for the birds, but I didn't want to put the pigeons through that. Instead, I had to put it in the trash. Pattinson probably should too.
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