Entertainment- My mom wanted us to be like Lorelai and Rory Gilmore, but we're more like Emily and Lorelai.
- I relate to Emily and Lorelai's strained relationship with little communication or understanding.
My mom once asked me why we couldn't be more like the Gilmore Girls. I told her we were, but not in the way she wanted. She's the Emily to my Lorelai, not the Lorelai to my Rory.
Instead of the communicative and close bond that Rory and Lorelai share, we're caught in an Emily-and-Lorelai-style cycle of combative miscommunication and angry words we can't take back.
We both want a better relationship, but we only know how to sabotage it. One step forward quickly turns into three steps back.
No matter how hard we try, relationship dynamics are hard to change after years of trauma. And I don't want to repeat them.
I love my mom, but decades of generational trauma have complicated our relationship
My mom and I love each other more than anything, but I can't remember the last time we said it.
Growing up, my best friends' parents became my pseudo-family. I still remember how hurt my mother was when I hugged my best friend's mom goodbye instead of my own before a school trip. As with Emily and Lorelai, our hugs felt foreign and forced, and we didn't know any other way.
Ironically enough, my mom was a Lorelai and her mom was a strict Emily growing up. Eventually, my mom went from Lorelei to Emily, too — from a rebellious and independent teen to a controlling mother firing off a neverending litany of criticisms.
And as she turned into Emily, I became a rebellious Lorelai. I chose clothes my mom hated and music that she didn't approve of. My entire personality became sardonic and combative. Like Lorelai, I wonder if my desperation to defy my mom changed who I was meant to be.
But despite our baggage, my mom made plenty of sacrifices to give me the future she wanted for me. Rather than moving into a bigger home in a less posh area, she opted for a small house (that's still under construction) to keep my brother and me in a top-rated school district.
Without the ample resources and incredible teachers my school offered, I never would've made it past 12 years old. My mom couldn't be the person I confided in, but she gave me access to teachers who were — and that saved my life.
I'm now roughly the same age Lorelai was on season one, and my commitment issues are just as bad. I regularly watched my mom place her significant others above all else, making me feel worthless and unimportant.
As an adult, I sprint away from commitment and long-term relationships. Like Lorelai, I'm charmed by the Christophers of the world, who offer passion and adventure but provide little in the way of stability and emotional maturity. When decent and safe people like Max come along, I'm too bored and dispassionate to bother trying.
I never want to turn into an Emily, so I'm not having kids
Although Lorelai opts to change her family's generational trauma by becoming the mom that Emily never was, I'd rather sidestep motherhood altogether.
I decided I didn't want children in college. If I had a kid, I have no doubt that I'd make the same mistakes as my mom. I'd resent them for impeding my independence, and that child would grow up knowing they weren't truly wanted — just like I did.
Instead, I often take on a maternal role among my friends. I'm fiercely protective of children in neglectful situations because I'm adamant that once you choose to have kids, you're obligated to put their needs above your own. I don't think I could live up to that mandate myself, so it would be selfish to roll the dice.
Despite picturing myself having a daughter when I was a kid, I refuse to carry on my family's maternal generational trauma.