Gigi Hadid worried she wasn't 'good enough to be a mom' while she was pregnant with daughter Khai

• Gigi Hadid gave birth to her and Zayn Malik's first child, Khai, in September.
• The model told Harper's Bazaar that she kept two journals, one "good" and one "bad," while pregnant.
• In the "bad" journal, Hadid documented her "anxieties," like not being "good enough" to be a mother.

Gigi Hadid spoke about questioning her qualifications to become a mother while she was pregnant with her and her longtime partner Zayn Malik's daughter, Khai, in her new Harper's Bazaar cover story.

In the months leading up to Khai's September 2020 birth, the 26-year-old supermodel said she documented the highs and lows of her pregnancy journey in two separate journals. She referred to one of them as her "good journal" and the other as her "bad journal."

"They weren't that literal, but one was more for the memories, for Khai," Hadid said, adding, "Maybe one day I'll give her the bad journal just to be real about it."

When interviewer Durga Chew-Bose asked the model to describe the contents of her "bad" journal, she replied: "Anxieties and days where I felt like, 'Am I good enough to be a mom?'"

She continued, "I didn't want to feel guilty about feeling those things or writing those things down. I just liked the separation."

Hadid explained that she isn't overly selective or structured about where she pens her thoughts. Sometimes, she said, she'll jot down words or watercolor sketches on the backside of receipts, in random journals, or onto sketch pads.

"I'm not particular about it," she said, adding, "I just pick up whichever one is closest to me and write."

Hadid kept her pregnancy journey private during the pandemic

For most of the model's pregnancy, she was stationed at her family's farm in rural Pennsylvania.

Though she confirmed that she was expecting in April 2020, Hadid kept most of her experience off of social media, leaving her 67.9 million Instagram followers desperate for updates. In an Instagram livestream in July 2020, she explained that she was doing her best to "document" her pregnancy well but didn't feel "rushed" to share every moment with the public.

"I've felt that it's not really something I need to share apart from with my family and friends," she said.

Hadid continued: "Obviously a lot of people have lost lives due to coronavirus. That was in the beginning of quarantine and still happening. And then we moved obviously into the reemergence of the [Black Lives Matter] movement, and I thought that our presence on social media should be used for that."

Since welcoming Khai, the new parents have opted against showing the child's face on social media until she's old enough to give consent. It was a parenting lesson she learned from her friends Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds, she told Vogue.

But as the model has taken Khai outside of the farm and into the world, she's tried to uphold boundaries for her daughter. In an open letter she published in early July, Hadid pleaded for social media accounts and photographers to blur Khai's face in pictures.

"Our wish is that she can choose how to share herself with the world when she comes of age," she said. "And that she can live as normal of a childhood as possible, without worrying about a public image that she has not chosen."