Alyson Stoner recalls undergoing conversion therapy amid sexuality struggle: 'My mind doesn't want to even go there'

• Alyson Stoner sat down with Insider for an interview celebrating Pride Month.
• During the chat, Stoner said that she underwent a form of conversion therapy.
• Stoner said the therapy made her consider "whether [her] life was worth living."

Alyson Stoner experienced a form of conversion therapy while struggling with her sexuality, which she said was so painful that it is "legitimately difficult" for her to revisit.

The actress, activist, dancer, and author, who starred in "Cheaper by the Dozen" and recently released her new book "Mind Body Pride," spoke to Insider for an interview celebrating Pride Month.

Stoner, who identifies as pansexual, recounted how falling in love with a woman for the first time intersected dangerously with her religious background.

Stoner told Insider that she admitted herself to an "outpatient variation" of conversion therapy as she sought to understand her sexuality and veer away from being queer.

"I felt stuck. I felt wretched. I felt like everything was wrong with me, even though I, in my heart of hearts, only desired to be a devoted follower of God," Stoner said. "So to hear from people you trust, from people you respect, from people you might even aspire to become, that you at your core are 'rotten,' 'abominable,' that the devil has a target on your back because of your position in Hollywood... It just sends you into a spiral, at least for me, because I just wanted to do the right thing."

Stoner said that she worked to understand the point of view of the pastors she spoke to, and realized that the pastors had developed their views about queer people and certain sexualities because of their own religious experiences and influences they had had in their lives.

Ultimately, their views were in the context of a specific "environment and a time period," Stoner said.

Stoner's experiences with conversion therapy were clearly painful. In fact, the therapy was so painful that to this day, she said she finds it "legitimately difficult" to talk about.

"My mind doesn't want to even go there. My legs started shaking at the thought of reliving some of it. I know firsthand how dangerous it is for me as someone who had access to therapy and other forms of support. And I still was considering whether my life was worth living or, if everything was wrong with me, then what good was it for me to be around, starting to see myself as someone who only brought harm to other people to society," Stoner said.

"It severs the mind-body connection because I see the body as something that is shameful, that is not to be trusted. It actually ends up messing with my ability to foster genuine relationships with others and myself, because now I'm suppressing a voice. I'm trying to change something that is what I now understand very natural."

Stoner said the therapy can result in people taking their own lives as they feel so ashamed of and negative about themselves that they feel they don't belong anywhere and have no value to society.

"The dangers are measurable. They are measurable. Even if someone comes out of it on the other side and says, 'Hey, no, I'm living a great life,' there are scars there. There are shadows," Stoner said. "So yes, I'm not capable yet of going back and recounting specifics, which is an indicator of just how difficult that chapter was for me."

Stoner's book, "Mind Body Pride" is available to purchase now on Stoner's website, with 100% of the proceeds going to LGBTQIA+ youth wellness.