- Insider's latest work-advice column is about how to handle the drama seekers in your office.
- Experts recommend being direct and setting better boundaries.
Returning to the office full time has been a rough transition. Not because I have to get up earlier or be away from my dog but because I have to leave the tranquility of home and be in the mix of gossip, tension, and interpersonal dynamics.
At my office, patience is in short supply. People are stressed — not surprising considering the undercurrent of pressure from management, but the result is that everyone seems way more reactive than what's necessary.
It feels like someone is constantly pulling me aside to gossip or speculate about our company's inner workings. I often feel myself drawn into it, and then I'm less productive and I have to work harder to make up for lost time. It's exhausting.
I've gone for drinks a few times with colleagues, and it always becomes a free-for-all of complaints about management, our bosses, or people who aren't there.
It's like my coworkers are just trying to keep things exciting. So it's a bind: participate in it or be a victim to it. I know this is common from my past companies, but I hate it. Why can't people just come to work, do their jobs, and then go home?
Before I begin, a confession: I happen to like drama. Journalists are nosy by nature and our occupational habits — asking a lot of questions, scrutinizing others' motivations, and seeing the potential for controversy in nearly every facet of modern life — are hard to break. Hot goss is my jam. Give me all your tea.
Yet I understand that not everyone is wired this way. Many people feel, as you do, that drama is exhausting and tedious and that we should all be minding our own business. Even I grudgingly take the point — especially when it comes to work.
It's easy to see why the workplace is such a fertile ground for interpersonal drama. After all, we spend most of our waking hours at work, going to and from work, and thinking about work.
And because of our early experiences at home and in school, some bad behavior is pretty much inevitable, according to Scott Lyons, a clinical psychologist and the author of the book "Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others."
That's because many of us tend to recreate our family systems — that is, roles and patterns of interaction we learned growing up, he said.
"We replicate and project these familiar patterns wherever we go, and when you multiply that by everyone at the office, you get lots of maladaptive strategies for surviving tension and stress," he told Insider.
This plays out in many ways. There are workers who gossip and vent to create "in-groupness" and a feeling of belonging. There are those who view competition and comparison as a way of life and enjoy pitting people against each other. And then there are those desperate for attention, approval, and praise, "and when they don't get it, stir stuff up," Lyons said.
Many of us gravitate toward drama as a distraction from our underlying pain and discomfort, he added.
"We use drama to avoid the trauma," he said.
Some reflection is necessary. Be honest with yourself: Are you at all contributing to the drama? And are you enabling it by tossing proverbial logs on other people's fires? If the answer is yes, you need to set better boundaries.
When a drama seeker approaches your cubicle ready to dish, Lyons recommends being direct. Explain that you're in the middle of your workday and don't have time to chat. Express empathy by acknowledging they're having trouble, and ask whether there's someone else they could speak with. And then remove yourself from the situation: Put on headphones or get up from your desk and walk away.
You need to make a concerted effort to preserve your well-being, Lyons said. "If you're being bulldozed by others, you're not being clear about your boundaries," he added.
This is not to say you should shut down all social interactions. Clocking in and out with zero collegiality sounds bleak, not to mention professionally ill-advised, Ebony Joyce, a career coach in Indianapolis, said.
"You need allies at work who you bond with and who can be your sounding board," she told Insider, adding that it's important to be selective with these relationships.
"Think about what you can control," she said. "You can't choose your coworkers, but you can choose who you align yourself with."
You also might consider asking your manager for a different work arrangement. Perhaps you can work remotely or on a hybrid schedule.
"That's why lots of people aren't happy to be back in the office," Joyce said. "They want to escape the drama."
I hope this advice is helpful and that you're able to find some solace at work. And for my fellow drama kings and queens, maybe it's time we hang up our crowns — at least some of the time.