Parents have a massive opportunity to teach resilience right now — here's the script a child psychologist recommends for getting the message to sink in

• Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist specializing in anxiety, resilience, and parenting who runs her own practice in New York.
• She says that many of her clients with children have shared that homeschooling is not going well for them during COVID-19.
• Kennedy advises parents to teach their kids resilience instead of focusing on academics.
• Use uplifting self-talk, healthy coping strategies, and remind your child that their emotions are valid — there's even a helpful script you should follow.

As a clinical psychologist specializing in parenting, anxiety, and resilience, I've been hearing a lot about parents' struggles to help their kids engage in virtual school.

In my private practice, from my Instagram followers, and during various virtual support groups with parents, I've heard that homeschooling is not working. Over and over, I'm hearing the same stories: power struggles, escalated arguments, crying, kids screaming "I can't do this!" and massive amounts of hopelessness.

Here's the problem.

Most kids feel increased pressure around parents, wanting to please and impress them, and so the stakes are very high to be doing schoolwork in their presence. Having a teacher at school point out an error feels different than having your parent do it in your home.

Children are always trying to figure out how to be versions of themselves that are "attachable" to their parents. So when kids are screaming, "You don't need to help me with this one! You think I'm stupid!" they're really screaming, "I feel not smart enough and not good enough when I struggle in your presence; those feelings are too much to handle, which is why I'm screaming and crying!"

Of course, these words never get said. Children feel ashamed and anxious, parents feel blocked and frustrated, and we see discord, arguments, and tears.

The solution to shift this cycle comes in two parts.

Part 1: Stop acting as your child's teacher. Really. And not only to make your home more peaceful — though that would be reason enough.

Part 2: Start acting as your child's resilience coach. A resilience coach knows that resilience matters more than any academic skill, because resilience is what promotes learning across domains. Children who strengthen their resilience muscle stick with difficulties longer, tolerate not-knowing, learn from mistakes, and see challenges as exciting times to grow.

If your child can return to school more resilient after quarantine, she'll be more prepared for academic challenges.

When your focus is on your child completing schoolwork, moments of difficulty and stress are the enemy, and the result is meltdowns, negative self-talk, conflict. When your focus is on your child building resilience, moments of difficulty and stress are opportunities — and the result is coping skills, positive self-talk, connection.

A resilience coach knows that resilience is only developed amidst struggle. A resilience coach would think, "My child is having a hard time talking herself through this moment. I'm going to focus on helping my child manage this moment, because learning to stay calm in the face of frustration will be much more impactful in her life than completing this specific math problem."

How to become your kid's resilience coach

1. Label challenges your child faces without judgment: "This is tricky."
2. Model regulation — yourself — by taking a slow deep breath in your child's presence.
3. Refer to negative self-talk as coming from a specific part or voice inside your child. Name this part or voice; call it the "I can't do it" voice or the Perfect Girl.
4. Engage playfully with this "I can't do it" voice; there's no need to get rid of the voice or listen to what it tells you to do.
5. Remind your child that she also has a part or voice that can tolerate challenges, and name this as well — maybe it's the "keep trying" voice or the Resilience Girl.
6. Connect with your child: Let her know that it's hard to be a kid right now, that school was never meant to be only on screens, that new things always feel uncomfortable at first, and that the two of you are going to figure this out together. Tell her that you're going to teach her an interesting new way of talking to herself when she's frustrated.

Resilience coaching in action: An example script

The next time your child is having a moment of frustration over learning a new skill, follow this script.

1. Introduce Perfect Girl. "Did you know that you have a Perfect Girl inside you? It's true! And I know all about this because I have a Perfect Person in me too. I've had this voice since I was young, just like you. Your Perfect Girl and my Perfect Person say the same thing: 'Perfect Perfect, Must Be Perfect. If I don't know it, I have to quit.'"
2. Then, educate. "Perfect Girl loses some power when you notice her. You can say, 'I hear you, but I don't have to listen to you!'"
3. Introduce Resilience Girl. "There's also an "I can do hard things" girl. She says, 'I can do hard things. Hard things make my brain grow.' She's just quieter than Perfect Girl. We have to remind her to speak up in tough moments."
4. Resilience over academics: "Today, let's notice when Perfect Girl speaks, let's say hi to her, then let's take a deep breath and remind Resilience Girl that she's there too. Let's focus more on this today than anything else."
5. Connect. "It's hard to be a kid right now. And it's so new to have school this way, on screens. All new things feel weird at first. We'll figure this out together, sweetie."

(It's important to note that the how of talking is always more impactful than the content itself, so I'd highly recommend watching a video demonstration of this technique.)

By shifting your purpose around your child's schoolwork, you can reduce power struggles, tears, and "I can't do it!" moments. Simultaneously, you can help your child build the emotion regulation skills she needs to manage stress.

Building resilience is the best way to prepare your child for the demands of school — and life.

Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist specializing in anxiety, resilience, and parenting. A graduate of Duke University and Columbia University, she maintains a private practice in midtown Manhattan, runs parenting groups and workshops, lectures on various mental health issues, and consults for organizations. Follow her on Instagram @drbeckyathome, and read more of her thoughts on her website.

Read the original article on Business Insider