My toxic boss ruined my confidence in the workplace. I'm learning to build myself back up again.
- In my first job out of college, I had a boss who made me question my value.
- Since then, I've been filled with self-doubt in the workplace.
"You really should get a different kind of bag," my boss said, eyeing the plain black one next to me. "Adults don't wear backpacks to work."
I was taken aback. I became painfully conscious of my attire. Suddenly I felt like a little kid dressing up in her mom's clothes, mimicking adulthood.
On its own, the comment might have rolled off my back. I came in the next week with a new briefcase — one that could convert into a backpack, as my little form of rebellion. That should've been the end of it. But after several months of constant reminders of how much less experienced I was than everyone else and offhand digs at how I did things, even the smallest remark was enough to turn me into a pitiful puddle of self-doubt.
Eventually, my toxic boss made me lose my confidence in the workplace. I'm still working to build myself back up.
Before starting the job, I was confident
I was accustomed to overachieving, and I was confident in a way that only a recent college graduate can be.
Before landing this job, I applied for and was rejected by easily over 100 jobs. But the rejections never got me down. I applied for positions I was wildly unqualified for, with little doubt that I could pull them off. I just needed one to take me, and I'd thrive. Finally I got a full-time, permanent offer — my first "real" job.
"You have less experience than we imagined, but we're going to take a chance on you," my boss told me when she offered me the position. At the time, it felt like the pat on the back I'd been waiting for.
Before long, though, it started to sound more like a threat.
Once I started the gig, I realized my boss had a problematic side
A perfectly lovely person outside of the office, my bad boss could make me question everything I did and produced.
If a plan didn't pan out, it wasn't because it was a bad plan; it was because I hadn't properly executed it. If a contractor didn't do what we expected, it wasn't because they had different ideas; it was because I hadn't communicated our expectations well. If I had to keep asking questions about an assignment, it wasn't because her instructions were unclear; it was because I wasn't listening.
Eventually, I started to agree.
I was filled with dread whenever I saw her name pop up in my inbox or flash on my phone. My mind raced through all the things I could've done wrong. When I found out she was taking a leave and had told everyone else but me, I blamed myself for alienating her rather than thinking about how weird that was on her part.
And when I finally decided I'd had enough and moved up my plans to go to graduate school, she convinced me I was being selfish. In my annual review turned exit interview, she tore me apart, recounting every mistake I'd made and discounting any feedback I had to offer as my being defensive.
"We took a chance on you," she reminded me. This time it felt like a shot to the heart.
I'm trying to get my confidence back
Several years — and several bosses — later, I still sometimes feel the doubt creeping in when I have to make professional choices.
I've hesitated to apply for jobs unless I was sure I was qualified. Unexpected emails from a supervisor and annual reviews still fill me with anxiety. And when I was offered a great opportunity last year that made sense professionally and financially, I almost turned it down to avoid disappointing another boss.
But as I've gotten more experience, I've realized that bosses are people, too, with their own insecurities and shortcomings. I can also now appreciate how much I had to learn about translating classroom achievement into workplace success. That said, I've also become convinced that some people are just bad leaders.
When I finally told my new boss I was leaving last year, she did something the previous one never did: She congratulated me. And that made all the difference in the world.