I make the money, and my husband handles the kids and housework. I've wondered if I'm just a paycheck — it's tough being the 'second choice' parent.

• Andrea Mac, a growth strategist, shares her experience as her family's sole financial provider.
• Her husband left his job to become the full-time caregiver for their four children.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Andrea Mac, a growth strategist at Prequal from the Greater Chicago area. It's been edited for length and clarity.

My husband handles 90% of our home life while I earn 100% of our family's income: I'm the family's breadwinner. While this is the right dynamic for us, my doubts creep in when things get imbalanced, and the parent/provider pendulum swings too far to either side.

For the last seven years, my husband has been a stay-at-home dad for our four children — ages 19, 14, 7, and 5. He used to have a full-time job as an electrical project engineer but left it when our third child was born, and my maternity leave was ending. Since then, I've been able to build a business that made just under $550,000 in 2023.

We're both incredibly hardworking, and motivated and committed to providing for our family's needs. But we both feel the effects of our individual focus. Even though I work outside the home, I still feel it's important for me to take on some parenting and household responsibilities.

When it comes to "chore wars" between male and female spouses, I believe strongly in domestic equity — both partners should be viewed as contributors to a household with shared decision-making and an equitable division of responsibilities. Here's how my husband and I split the chores.

Our family might be considered unique when it comes to household labor and work outside the home

My husband is responsible for almost all childcare-related responsibilities, tasks, curveballs, medical issues, school communications, homework help, lunches, carpooling, and coaching.

He also handles the following:

• Morning routines and getting everyone up and out the door.

• Cooking three meals a day for our entire family.

• Folding and putting away all laundry.

• All outdoor and home maintenance, including lawn, garden, landscaping, repairs, and major projects.

• All auto needs.

• All bill paying, account management, renewals, service inquiries, etc.

• Taking the lead on regularly tidying up.

• Lining up babysitters for date nights.

Some additional things he's 100% responsible for that might be atypical for men but perhaps not atypical for a stay-at-home mom include:

• Scheduling playdates.

• Purchasing gifts for holidays and children's birthday parties.

• Scheduling medical and dental visits and taking kids to doctor appointments.

• Volunteering in the classroom — he just signed up to be a summer camp leader for the kids.

• Registering the kids for all sports, camps, and extracurricular and religious programs.

• Scheduling and attending weekend events and family outings.

I also help with daily tasks

Our approach has primarily been shaped by ongoing, open communication about our family's needs and our individual capacities. This continuous dialogue helped us gradually find a balance that works for us. Our division of chores evolved over time, but my usual housework includes the following:

• Meal planning and grocery shopping.

• Taking the lead on deep cleaning and organizing

• Doing the laundry

• Planning vacations

The 10% of household chores I consistently handle also include daily tasks like loading the dishwasher, clearing the dinner table, and assisting with bedtime routines when I'm home. With four kids and their varying schedules, I also step in whenever we face overlapping commitments and need to be in two places at once.

When my job is busier, it amplifies the impact and tradeoffs in our family dynamics

I traveled to 13 different states in October 2023. I worked 13 to 15-hour days, sacrificing weekends and sleep. It was one of the most demanding seasons of my career, and my entire family felt the demands of my relentless Q3 and Q4 travel schedule.

This grueling period tested my resilience and our family dynamics, particularly as my husband stepped up to manage our home life solo. For days and weeks at a time, my husband worked as a single parent. When I did return home and attempted to jump on the moving train of my family life, it wasn't easy.

My presence disrupted the "new norm" created in my absence. It showed up in moments like when I was joining the walk to school with our 2nd grader, who experiences moments of separation anxiety. She would refuse to go into the school building on the days that I came along — especially the first day after I returned home from work travel. It was a stressful start to the day, and the other kids would then be late to their schools. It changed the routine and created an unintended outcome.

My re-entry can be a smooth addition or a brief disruption. It usually takes a few days for us all to adjust and find our rhythm again. Essentially, I'm adapting to the family's steady pace each time I come back. This new dynamic brought up a lot of internal struggles for me, causing me to evaluate my intrinsic value to this family.

I wondered, "Am I just a paycheck?"

While being a provider is critical to everyone's needs, I have to sacrifice the parenting aspects with added pressure to succeed on the provider front. I started to wonder if I was just a paycheck.

It can be tough to be the "second choice" parent — whether that's one of my older kids confiding in my husband with a problem or my little kids wanting my husband to do the bedtime routine.

When things like this happen, I have to step back and evaluate whether we're doing it right or wrong. But I believe we're absolutely doing what is 100% right for our family at this time and for the last eight years. I've never considered changing our situation — rather, I find myself examining how to "do more" or pursue and prioritize more balance in my days and weeks.