- Kari Shafenberg worked up to 80 hours a week early in her career until she was laid off.
- She moved industries but struggled to set boundaries at work. Having a baby was a wake-up call.
This as-told-to essay is based on a transcribed conversation with Kari Shafenberg, a higher education director in Colorado, about her experience getting laid off. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I was instilled with an intense work ethic from a young age. My father was in the Army and taught us to be committed to our work, and I wholeheartedly believed it. The path to promotion and a successful career was to work hard.
Over the years, I've learned that even the best companies with the kindest coworkers will never love you, your life, and your family the way you do. It's not their responsibility. You have to be brave enough to set boundaries.
Working hard didn't protect me from getting laid off
After college, I worked as an editor in 2008. I put in between 60 and 80 hours a week, including many weekends.
During February 2009, I worked 27 days out of the month. I thought, "I signed up for this job, and I'm going to prove that I was the right person to hire."
I was deeply committed and never questioned working long hours.
One day, during the Great Recession in 2009, I came into the office. Half the team, including myself, was taken aside. We were told we'd been laid off because of the recession. We were escorted out of the office the same day.
It was devastating. I'd never lost a job before. I'd done everything they'd asked of me. Giving so much to a job and being so easily dismissed was heartbreaking.
I didn't feel I could have a honeymoon
I changed careers and moved into higher education. After a year, I landed a job working for a small school. This time, I took the approach that work is work and didn't want to give so much time to it.
But they had high expectations, and there was lots to do in the role. They wanted me to be constantly available.
I was discouraged from taking personal leave. When I got married, I only took four days off. My husband and I couldn't have a honeymoon.
I had a lot of similar situations in that job. I pushed through to show I was indispensable and avoid getting laid off again.
I was asked to come back early from maternity leave
Four years later, I had a baby. I had six weeks of maternity leave. Four days after I gave birth, I had to come into the office with my newborn baby to sign a change to our health insurance policy. While in the office, my boss asked me for updates on the project I'd been working on before taking leave.
I'd had three hours of sleep tops, and I wasn't expecting to be working.
A few days later, the head of HR called me at home. They said they were working on a new important project and asked if I could come back to work on it before my leave was over.
I said I would if they let me work remotely to care for my baby. They later said if I was OK to come back to work, then I was OK to be in the office. I declined to return early.
I realized I'd fallen into the same trap as before, thinking I needed to give all my time to a job for my career to progress.
I could push through when it was only me, but after my son was born, it no longer seemed worth it. I was emotional and hormonal, and I didn't want to be that person as a mom.
I didn't feel like my workplace saw me as a whole person
When my leave was up, I returned to the office, but I knew I couldn't stay somewhere that asked me to prioritize their projects over my baby, so I left three months later.
I didn't want to be in a similar environment again, but my next position was also fast-paced.
I started taking on more work-from-home days, which was initially helpful, but my son wasn't allowed to be with me at home, and they quickly reduced my WFH days.
Management then gave me a cellphone so that I could be reachable at all times after I missed a phone call.
As a new mom with a 4-month-old son, my first instinct was not to rock the boat, as I feared losing my job. I stuck it out for a year and then left.
I started setting boundaries
I stayed at my next job for several years because I felt recognized as a whole person.
Three weeks into working at a school in Colorado, I got a panicked call from my husband. My child had had a seizure, and they were on their way to the emergency room. I told the dean I had to leave for a family emergency, and they said, of course, I had to go. He recovered, but it was scary.
I started setting boundaries. I would take time off for family commitments, and if there was a day care issue, I would bring my son to work.
My team was very accommodating. But, ultimately, I left for a higher-paying position.
I've changed my approach to job interviews
I realized that if you set boundaries, there are workplaces that respect that. Figuring out the work culture became a key part of my job applications.
In interviews, I bring up my family right away and talk about the family activities that are important to me. I ask if the schedule is flexible. I'm clear with my employer about what they are getting from me.
I ask a lot about a job and what it means to be successful in that position. If somewhere has a "work hard, play hard" motto, I know it's not for me.
You have to take responsibility for setting boundaries
You have to have the confidence to set boundaries. A couple of years ago, I had to get a flight to a work meeting. I realized the timing meant I'd miss my son's basketball game. I changed my flight to watch his game and flew overnight instead.
It takes bravery to say to your workplace: "I'm adjusting my flight, and here's why. And this is non-negotiable for me."
Now, I work for a school with job flexibility: three days on campus and two days from home. I take off days, like my son's first day of school. I learned it's OK to prioritize these things.
I manage a team of eight, and setting a good example for them is important. You don't have to choose between growing your career and having a personal life.
I used to fear setting a boundary or saying no to an unreasonable work request would mean I wasn't a team player and didn't care about my job. That's simply not true.
I love my work and work hard, but it's just a part of who I am — not my entire identity.
Editor's note: Business Insider reached out to the university where Shafenberg was discouraged from taking time off and asked to return from maternity leave early for comment. The university has since merged with another institution, the current press team said they cannot comment on the university's practices before the merger.
"The sentiments expressed by your interviewee pertain to their experiences more than a decade ago. I do wonder if these sentiments are indicative of the current climate in higher education," the spokesperson said, adding the institution had "made significant strides in promoting work-life balance and employee mental wellness."
If you have changed your approach to your career and would like to share your story, email ehopkins@businessinsider.com.