- This edition of Insider's work-advice column is about how to deal with a boss who's gaslighting you.
- First and foremost, experts advise making sure you have a clear-eyed view of the situation.
My new boss doesn't like me — never a good sign — but recently what I thought was going to be a not-so-great relationship has turned into a truly terrible work situation. He's gaslighting me about my performance, and I worry he's building a case to eventually try to fire me.
For example, he recently sent me an email detailing all the ways that I'm allegedly falling down on the job. I'm not holding as many client meetings as I should be; I'm not generating the sales that I ought to be; I'm ignoring what he tells me to do; other colleagues say I am "resistant" to feedback, and so on.
All of these claims are inaccurate. And because we work in a very transparent and data-heavy organization, I can prove that he's wrong.
According to the dashboard, my sales are generally on par with other people at my level — an indication that my number of client meetings is just fine. I do pay attention to what he asks of me and I engage him in conversations about it. Meanwhile, other managers say I'm collaborative and professional. I know because I asked them!
I have a sneaking feeling that he's going to use this email against me and/or try to put me on a performance improvement plan. It's undermining my confidence and even my sense of reality. I am in my 40s and I've had a good career, so the whole experience has been rather crazy-making.
What should I do?
-Anonymous
Gaslighting, a term that describes behavior that's mind manipulative, misleading, and deceitful, is in the air. It also happens to be Merriam-Webster's word of the year for 2022.
Gaslighters take advantage of power imbalances in relationships by undermining people's sense of reality, either passively or aggressively. They come in all shapes and sizes — indeed, anyone can be a gaslighter — and their modus operandi consists of deflecting or denying responsibility, manipulation, blame, and sowing doubt.
"Gaslighters cause you to think not just that you're wrong, but that there's something wrong with you," said Robin Stern, a licensed psychoanalyst, the co-founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and author of "The Gaslight Effect."
"The minute you start second-guessing yourself, you're dancing the gaslight tango."
The good news, dear reader, is that you recognize what's happening. The bad news is that you're already mid-pivot. So, where do you go from here?
First and foremost, make sure you have a clear-eyed view of the situation. Inspect your personal dashboard data and that of your peers. Scrutinize emails and other messages that shed light on what's taking place. And check in with close colleagues.
Don't gossip or disparage, but rather ask questions: What's your relationship with the manager like? It may be that this is just your boss's nature. Trust your gut, but verify, too.
Next, ask for a one-on-one meeting with your manager. Bring documentation and choose your words carefully. This is not a confrontation, but rather a conversation.
Troy Smith, an assistant professor of management in the College of Business at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, says pragmatism and positivity are required. Smith has conducted research on toxic bosses — including gaslighters — and he says your goal is to create congruence between your interests and your boss's.
"You need to go into it with the idea of, 'How can we resolve this problem together?'" he said. "Start by saying, 'I'm really committed helping the organization succeed.' The assumption is that your boss wants that as well."
Then, Stern suggests trying to get on the same page about your objectives.
Try saying something like: "I'm concerned that we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, and I'd like to remedy that. I notice some differences in terms of the way you talk about my performance and what the numbers say. I'd like to understand that difference — and I'd like your help in clarifying my goals so that I'm working on what you think is most important. I'm committed to doing what it takes to have a good, collegial working relationship with you."
Pay attention to your boss's answer, for it will determine whether the relationship is salvageable. He could be gaslighting you inadvertently and he may well apologize. And, if he has a big ego — he probably does — he may genuinely enjoy your asking for his help.
Or, he could double down on the gaslighting behaviors, in which case you need to fashion an exit strategy, stat. Fortunately for you, there's rarely been a better time to quit your job. Despite tumult in the economy the labor shortage is ongoing and you have options.
In the meantime, take good care of yourself. "One thing that happens over time when you are in a gaslighting relationship with someone you work for is that it becomes hard, if not impossible, to think clearly," said Stern. "When you're faced with somebody's bad opinion of you, it's emotionally activating. It can be very difficult to hold onto your reality."
Do your best to reduce direct contact with your boss — and take detailed notes on the meetings you do have. Seek out caring colleagues and friends. Get plenty of exercise and rest. And do whatever else you need to preserve your emotional strength and mental health.
"Remember, you can't change other people," Stern said. "But you can work with yourself — with commitment, patience and compassion — to regain your reality over time."