Here's the conversation I had to get through to my older family members about coronavirus - and why it's important to redefine 'acts of love' during a pandemic
- With the outbreak of the coronavirus, families are facing tough decisions on how to take care of each other, especially those relatives over the age of 60 who are at a much higher risk.
- Erica Hauver is the founder & CEO of Cook Keto, and an expert on Keto Nutrition Therapy and chronic disease reversal.
- Last week, Hauver drove to her elderly parents' home in Maryland to bring them supplies, and have a hard conversation about the dangers of COVID-19 and the necessary precautions they needed to be taking, but weren't.
- On Twitter, Hauver documented the conversation with her parents - with her permission, we've shared her Tweets.
- While social isolation may be important to curb the spread of the disease, Hauver notes that "avoidance is not an act of love," and that we should still be providing care for people most at risk.
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As I drove to my parents' home north of Baltimore on March 13 - with a trunk full of disinfectant, hand sanitizer, a thermometer, and nutritious meals for their freezer - I couldn't stop thinking about how our definition of "acts of love" needs to change during this crisis.
I pulled into their driveway, sanitized my hands, and took the supplies as far as their back door. Their faces fell when I told them I wasn't coming in. I suggested we sit on the back deck, my chair a good distance from theirs. I told them we needed to talk about the pandemic.
I asked them what they were doing to protect themselves. "Everything we can." When I probed what that meant, it was clear they were not implementing most of the basic steps, let alone exercising the vigilance required for those in their 70s and 80s.
My mom was aware of the recommendations about basic coronavirus precautions, but was discounting their importance. Weeks of messaging about politically motivated overreaction & comparisons of COVID-19 to the flu had become entrenched in their social circles.
My father does not watch the news or own a single screen other than their TV. He is a sports fanatic though. The announcements from the NCAA, NBA, MLB to cancel or postpone the remainder of their sports seasons shocked and worried him. He asked, "How bad is this?"
My internal GPS kicked in. Education was my top job today. But they were starting from different places. If my mom does not embrace the changes they need to make, they won't happen, so we started with the "not much worse than the flu" myth.
Graphs are super helpful for these COVID-19 conversations. My dad nudged my mom, "They've never shut down the entire sports industry for the flu."
Sports & school announcements raised the obvious question: Why is there such a gap between the relatively low number of cases/deaths versus these extraordinary public health measures? We discussed this graph.
Then I explained why we were having our conversation outside and at quite a distance from one another. "We have no idea in America how many people are actually infected, and therefore infectious." No blame, just fact.
My dad asked how long the extreme measures would last. I explained how the runaway spread of coronavirus had overwhelmed Italy and China's healthcare systems, which is why everyone is now focused on taking preventative steps.
The "flatten the curve" concept has circulated widely for weeks in some media circles, but it is important to recognize that most people have not seen it or had it explained to them. It is a powerful tool for visualizing the cost and benefit of the sacrifices we are all making.
My dad asked about treatment. I described the spectrum of COVID-19 clinical experiences and then opened up the most difficult, but important, part of our conversation - their personal risk profiles by age and underlying health conditions.
This conversation was somber and did the job. My dad said, "I guess the dinner we are hosting tomorrow night will be our last for a while."
My parents were finally ready to discuss the practical changes they need to make to reduce their risk of exposure. The helpful information recently posted on the CDC website had not yet made it into their orbit.
But I knew that information was unlikely to make a big impression, so we sat a while longer, running through practical scenarios, agreeing what new habits they need to form. The difference between a conversation and a website might be the difference between life and death.
As they accepted this new reality, different worries emerged - about their quality of life and fear of isolation. Their family, friends, and church community are the sources of so much meaning in their lives. There are so many ways to solve these problems, together.
This was all reassuring, but I could feel the big question hanging in the air. "What will happen if we get sick?"
I shared what symptoms to look for and the importance of contacting me at the very first sign of trouble so that we can make fast decisions together. This was hard for them to accept. They are used to being self-sufficient.
Then they began to worry about infecting us if we step in to help them. I took them back to this graph and pointed to the bars where my husband, children, and I fall. Relief flooded my dad's face. He said "thank you" - closer to tears than I have ever seen him.
My family is fortunate to be physically close to my parents. But the Atlantic Ocean separates us from my in-laws. Both scenarios require similar honest, loving conversations, even if the scenario planning looks very different. Avoidance is not an act of love. We all need to give, and be willing to receive, a lot more love in the time of coronavirus.
Erica Hauver is an expert on Keto Nutrition Therapy and chronic disease reversal. She is the founder & CEO of Cook Keto. Connect with her on Twitter.