6 steps to defuse conflicts with anyone at work, from clients to coworkers

• Angie Colee is a coach who helps creative entrepreneurs grow their businesses.
• Over the years, she's developed a six-step process to resolving conflicts with colleagues at work.

Healthy professional relationships are key to advancing a career or building a business. But regardless of how much you like your colleagues or clients, running into tense or uncomfortable work situations is inevitable at some point, and getting stuck in a snarky spiral of "Per my last email" or "If you'd been to the meeting, you'd know" can quickly torpedo professional relationships.

As a confidence coach for creatives and entrepreneurs, my clients often come to me for advice when a working relationship suddenly seems to be spiraling out of control and emotions are running hot.

In the five years I've been coaching, I've developed a six-step formula for having hard talks with bosses, colleagues, and clients. When done right, it can help even the most hot-headed of people learn to lead hard conversations calmly. Here's how to do it.

1. Empathize with them

If you go into a conversation with someone with a set idea that you don't like or trust them, it will be tough to engage in a meaningful discussion.

Because of this, I encourage clients to enter conversations in good faith and believe that the people they work with are good people with good intentions. Empathizing helps you to avoid taking uncomfortable conversations personally and recognize that we're all just humans trying to do our best, even when we fall short.

For example, if a client hasn't sent payment for an invoice you sent a week ago, instead of jumping to conclusions by thinking "They're not paying, they're trying to cheat me," consider that maybe they were in an accident, had a family emergency, or lost a key employee. Instead of assuming the worst, give them the benefit of the doubt and ask what's happening on their end.

2. Acknowledge the good stuff

Remember what you like about this person, project, or position. Do you want to keep working with them once this problem is solved? If you do, tell them.

People can sense a hard talk coming and their first reaction typically is "Oh no, I'm being fired!" or "They're about to unload on me," so starting the conversation with what you love about the project or how much fun you've had working with them will help the other person understand that you're coming from a good place.

This allows you to give the other person grace and reminds you what you like about working with them. Acknowledging the good work you've done together and reassuring them you see more great work in the future (if you do) sets the tone and signals that you're here to find a fix versus vent and complain.

For example, if you're a freelancer working on a website rewrite with unclear deliverables, let your client know what you love about the project or how much you enjoy working with them before going into the issues you've experienced. Or if you're a boss whose employee bombed a presentation, start by recognizing the great work the employee has done in the past, along with the effort they put into this presentation even though it didn't go well.

3. Identify the struggle

Memorize this: "Here's where I'm struggling." It's tempting to let loose when you're frustrated, but that often devolves into complaining, which won't help you find solutions. This line reframes the conversation and makes it about sharing versus unloading.

Next, share factual, unemotional, non-accusatory "I" statements. For example, if you're a graphic designer and your boss assigns you last-minute deadlines, "Here's where I'm struggling: When I get the product information late, it crunches my design time, which leads to inevitable mistakes and misprints, which makes it tough for me to do my best work."

Or, if you're a freelancer who's waiting on a deposit payment from a new client, you could say: "Here's where I'm struggling: I haven't received the deposit, which lets me know to block off space in my calendar. Without a deposit, I'll have to give that space to someone else, and I don't want to do that without speaking to you first."

4. Share a solution

This is where you get to shine as a problem-solver. Every team out there, whether you have an employer-employee or client-contractor relationship, is looking for people who can solve problems.

Problem-solving requires compromise — telling someone "If you just did it my way, everything would work fine" isn't a meaningful solution. When problem-solving, suggest a solution you think will work and leave it open-ended for the other person's input.

For example, if you have a client who contracted you to write emails, you could say: "We already know that 32 emails per month is creating an approval bottleneck and a lot of overwhelm. Would it help if we reduced the email count to 20?"

Or if your employee is falling behind on an important deadline, try saying: "I know you're feeling a lot of pressure with this big-name client project. What if we review it together in advance? We'll hit our deadline, and you'll feel more confident."

5. Collaborate on a resolution

Both parties need to agree to a solution that solves the problem, especially if it impacts them or changes the way things get done. This is where I recommend asking the other person, "What do you think?"

This question invites them to share their own ideas about potential solutions, which will make them feel heard and valued.

6. Close with next steps

Once you find a solution, break it down into action items. Identify next steps, who's responsible for carrying out each step, and by when. Tasks without deadlines can quickly get buried (and forgotten) at the bottom of the priority pile.

For example, when planning a project with a coworker, say something like: "You'll send me a list of all the products for the catalog by Tuesday, even if you don't have all the product information. That way I have time to do research and turn in the copy on Friday."

Or when resolving a delayed payment with a client, you can say: "Excellent, you're getting me the deposit and the materials I requested by Monday. I'll get started on Tuesday."

The first few times you try these six steps to resolve tense conversations, it will be hard. Resist the temptation to skip straight to the struggles, force yourself to calm down, and really think through ways to problem-solve. This formula sets the frame to have a tough discussion in a positive and collaborative way, which will short-circuit the frustration spiral that blows up otherwise good relationships.