A scientist who's worked at Tinder and Bumble explains how to navigate one of the awkwardest parts of online dating
- After working at Tinder and now at Bumble, sociologist Dr. Jess Carbino knows how disappointing it can be when a promising conversation peters out on a dating app.
- She says it's OK to follow up with another message after two or three days, as long as you keep it playful.
- The person is probably just busy - it's not anything personal.
There are few heartbreaks more embarrassing than the heartbreak you feel when someone fails to respond to your last message on a dating app.
It's not like you guys were dating - actually, you'd never met the person IRL - but the banter was so witty, so flirtatious, so promising!
And now they've decided you're ugly. You're dumb. You're a worthless human being.
Actually, says Dr. Jess Carbino, the in-house sociologist at Bumble (she previously worked at Tinder), they're probably just busy.
"Until you've met and connected, [your relationship] might not be top of mind yet," Carbino told me. It's a nice way of saying: You are not the center of the world.
Carbino recommends checking your ego and sending a follow-up message - yes, really! - after two or three days have passed and you still haven't heard from the person.
"There's nothing wrong with nudging the person a little bit and just sending a refresher message saying, 'Hey, I wanted to ask you more about this.'" "This" can be the concert they said they were going to or the work project they were cranking out last time you chatted.
As long as you keep it "really casual, fun, and playful," Carbino said, "and not at all antagonistic," you should be good.
Interestingly, dating app Hinge analyzed more than 300,000 conversations and found that sending a follow-up text after an opening message boosts your odds of getting a response. Hinge data suggests you should wait at least three hours and 52 minutes after sending the first message.
"Sending a little refresher message," Carbino said, "and reminding people, 'Hey, I'm here!' helps people to just keep the conversation going sometimes, when we're always so busy in other aspects of our lives."