A Harvard psychologist explains how to have civil Thanksgiving arguments
That just breeds negative feelings.
According to Harvard social psychologist Amy Cuddy, the best thing to do when you know you're in a position of power is to listen.
Cuddy is the author of "Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges," a book on the subtle yet powerful ways our behaviors can influence our thoughts and emotions.
"Presence" argues, among other things, that when we feel powerful - present, in control, in the moment - we also have the ability to bestow that power onto other people, either by building them up to feel powerful or by tearing them down.
During a talk at 92Y earlier this January, Cuddy admitted to "Quiet" author Susan Cain that her biggest challenges come in her personal relationships, with her husband in particular. Confronting conflict can make her incredibly anxious, Cuddy says.
In these cases, the remedy "Presence" suggests is to fully engage with whomever you're fighting - whether it's over whose turn it was to take out the trash or which candidate should have won the election.
"When you walk into those situations that have a lot of conflict in them," Cuddy says, "the first thing to do is to be present enough to allow the other person to speak first. You're not giving power away; you're actually allowing them to feel seen and understood."
By listening to the other person's side, you're giving them the chance to become a part of the conversation. As the relationship guru John Gottman says, you're allowing the two of you to kick around the problem like a soccer ball.
In psychology, this is known as the "balance theory problem," Cuddy explained in a recent radio interview.
Imagine a triangle where you, and loved one, and a divisive issue each make up one point. You and your loved one constantly try to keep that third point equidistant from one another, or in "balance," based on your shared views. Cuddy says tensions arise when people refuse to accept that some triangles simply can't be balanced.
That's why when someone says something objectionable, Cuddy's advice is for you to hear them out.
"I think you have to bite your tongue. I do. I think you have to wait," Cuddy says. "First of all, when you respond in that moment of anger you're not going to respond well. And if you let them get through it, you're going to get a little more information about what that is really about. Maybe then you do pause and say, 'I need to step away from this for a moment.'"
Even if you don't get new information relevant to the fight itself, there may still be nuggets of wisdom for how to handle later situations.
For example, a medium-sized fight about household chores (or an argument about what Donald Trump did or didn't say) could put one person squarely in the wrong. But that doesn't mean the person who was right doesn't stand anything to gain. Maybe there is a lesson on how chores should be divided or how the other person feels about a given political issue.
At the very least, you're allowing the other person to feel heard, which in turn makes them more receptive to your own argument.
Given how emotional the election has been for people, Cuddy also says adults should stay mindful of the role they set for younger family members this Thanksgiving. "Let's model constructive debate for our kids' sake," she says.
Still, if political talk really does pose a threat to the entire evening, it might just be best to table the conversation for a later date. There's no sense in hashing out ideological differences just because the whole family is there to weigh in.
"If it's too raw," Cuddy says, "it's too raw."