Joe is going borderline crazy.
Some concerning stuff in here. The threesome of Pile of poop, Smiling face with sunglasses and Fire denotes a Bart Simpson-esque mischief streak that’s troubling at your age. There’s Cat with wry smile, an emoji that’s literally never been sent before 4:00am. And the choice of regular Monkey over a three wise monkey may indicate a dangerous lack of empathy. I’m not saying you’re crazy, Joe. But that Cyclone at the center of things isn’t a coincidence.
Diagnostic emoji: Playing card black Joker
Prescribed emoji: Closed lock with key
All descriptions are via Emojinalysis.
Carey is just asking to go to prison.
Remember those scenes in Homeland when Abu Nazir would text Brody? This is what I imagine those texts looked like. Skull. Ghost. High voltage sign. Fire. Japanese ogre AND goblin. I don’t know who you’re sending these to or what your plans are, EmoJazir. (No spoilers I’m still in Season 2). But I’m forwarding this to the appropriate parties just in case.
Diagnostic emoji: Warning sign
Prescribed emoji: Oncoming police car
All descriptions are via Emojinalysis.
If you see Melody on the street, run the other way.
Funny that your name’s Melody since this collection is the emoji equivalent of a Nicki Minaj verse. Like, crazy “Monster" Nicki, not emo "Pills N Potions" Nicki. Smiling face with heart-shaped eyes and and Kiss and Cocktail glass and Pouting face and KNIFE and GUN AND SYRINGE!!!!! Honestly, I have no idea what to make of this. You scare the hell out of me. I’m done.
Diagnostic emoji: Imp + Microphone
Prescribed emoji: Exclamation question mark
All descriptions are via Emojinalysis.
Audra needs to get her life together.
Seems like you favor the more human emojis, which is typically a good sign. The problem is the rest of your batch has more red flags than King's Landing. A Skull next to Wine glass? Pretty ominous happy hour invite. And the fact that drinks apparently ended in a dance parting with the grown-up version of the Shining twins doesn't help. I've seen what's on the other side of that rainbow, Audra. And it's a big pot of get your shit together.
Diagnostic emoji: Regional indicator symbol letters CN (Red flag)
Prescribed emoji: Teacup without handle
All descriptions are via Emojinalysis.
Pierrick is a tough nut to crack.
Some pretty random stuff in here. Mens symbol. Octopus. The always confounding Chestnut. This is what it would look like if an NYC Subway Conductor used emojis. As in, I think I get the gist of what you’re saying, but all I heard was “Tent, Bear face, Full moon symbol.” I want to analyze you, Pierrick, but unfortunately we’re on the WTF Train and it just went express.
Diagnostic emoji: Face without mouth + Metro
Prescribed emoji: Speaker with three sound waves
All descriptions are via Emojinalysis.
Molly might break your heart.
You seem sweet but you’re a heartbreaker. How can I tell? Let me tell you about it, stud…
Summer lovin’, had me a blast.
Summer lovin’, happened so fast.
Met a girl in an emoji-kini.
Watermelon, cake and candy.
But Thought cloud comes, something’s begun.
And uh oh we’re in a cockfight.
Oh-well-oh-well-oh-well I’M DUMPED.
Diagnostic emoji: Music note + Broken heart
Prescribed emoji: Crying face + Door
All descriptions are via Emojinalysis.
She may be young, but watch out for Marissa.
Congrats on the basketball trophy, Marissa! Too bad you won it by being less Michael Jordan and more Teen Wolf. (I’m talking about this Teen Wolf, not this Teen Wolf. Though I’m hoping the new one kept the basketball arc. Still with me, kid?) What I’m saying is, you seem to have multiple personalities and you kinda scare me. Stay away from Full moon emojis.
Diagnostic emoji: Wolf face
Prescribed emoji: Sunrise
All descriptions are via Emojinalysis.
Begoña might need serious help.
This bottom row seems to be a sad story about euthanizing your pet. If that’s the case, I’m sorry. If that’s not the case, [fills up that Syringe with a truth bomb], this is a serious cry for help. Simply put: Way too much cat stuff. I know, they’re pretty much the Greek Gods of the Internet. But this is not “I Can Has Emotionz,” Begoña. Life is not a Paula Abdul video. And in real life, we OMG I FORGOT THE CAT TAP DANCES IN THAT VIDEO. Forget it. Carry on.
Diagnostic emoji: Cat face
Prescribed emoji: Cat face + Man’s shoe + Dance
All descriptions are via Emojinalysis.
Alex is a party animal.
(Analysis best read while listening to “If You Were Here" by Thompson Twins.)
This is an emoji John Hughes movie. I picture you busting out of that Office building where you work a dead-end job. But tonight you’re ditching your Glasses for Nail polish and and a dream. Then it’s Pizza with your weird BFFs, the Girls in bunny ears, before heading to the party of the year. Face with heart eyes! It’s Jake, the high school QB! No way he’ll notice you, you’re just the nerdy girl from Science class. “What’s that, Jake? That Bouquet is for me?!” Sparkling heart. Kiss face. Credits.
Diagnostic emoji: Movie camera
Prescribed emoji: 5 and 1/3 Birthday cakes (16 candles)
All descriptions are via Emojinalysis.
Riva loves her food.
You’re one of those people who can just eat whatever they want, aren’t you? Nobody uses Surfer and Hamburger. Nobody picks the Horse as their emoji spirit guide while gnawing a battered Poultry leg. A Fried shrimp and a freakin’ Leopard? Are you mocking me? I’d say more but I’ve gotta go “Face savoring delicious food” on a green juice while I’m really “Loudly crying face” inside. You’re the worst.
Diagnostic emoji: Face with open mouth + All the food emojis
Prescribed emoji: Pile of poo
All descriptions are via Emojinalysis.
Don't expect Ashleigh to lend a helping hand.
There’s a 50/50 shot you’re either an international jewel thief or a Mean Girl. The signs are all the same: Diamonds, Parties, Costumes, Romance. And of course, the red-flag of all red-flags: Princess. What has me leaning toward jewel thief are the Italian/Russian symbols. Everybody knows a Mean Girl is patriotic to a fault. But then again, a fast-on-her-toes burglar wouldn’t be eating cake unless she thought it was low in carbs. I’m stumped here. Either way, Ashleigh, YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.
Diagnostic emoji: Handbag (or) Money bag
Prescribed emoji: Do not enter sign + Seat
All descriptions are via Emojinalysis.
Megan is a hot mess.
Appropriate choice of the Ram emoji here, because you’re a mess of biblical proportions. Don’t think all these smileys and party favors fool me, Megan. I see you. Or rather, I see two of the most terrifying emojis (Women with bunny ears and Face screaming in fear) hiding just below this shiny, happy surface. This is the emoji equivalent of a rainbow-frosted cupcake piñata packed with bees. And that wiffle ball bat is about to take its final swing.
Diagnostic emoji: Volcano
Prescribed emoji: Ticket + Rocket
All descriptions are via Emojinalysis.
