Most men don't get too excited about their birthday; we're aware - every single day - of the fact that we're getting older.
Not only do we not expect presents, we don't want any. The same is true for Christmas - a day spent selflessly ensuring that our partners and offspring have magical memories and all of the material things they desire.
But Father's Day is our day, and ours alone - a day to honor ourselves without feeling too guilty about it. It's also a chance to receive all of the things we tend not to buy for ourselves.
Here are ten perfect gifts for Father's Day:
1. Sphere Ice Cube Molds: $17
There are plenty of reasons why we drink, and they're all good ones.
Besides the obvious visual attraction, this spherical shape has the smallest surface area relative to its mass - perfect for those of us who don't dilute our drinks.
Throw in a bottle of Pappy 23 and some Baccarat Harcourt Tumblers.
2. Amazing Yet Unassuming Earphones: $470
Now that every Dad in the world knows about Beats By Dre, it's time to buy him some earphones that are actually decent … before he takes matters into his own hands and comes home looking like Drake.
These tactful Shure earphones deliver an unparalleled listening experience.
3. Riedel Horn Decanter: $722
A wine decanter generally serves three purposes: to remove any sediment, to aerate the wine in order to enhance the aroma and flavor, and to look like a horse's ass.
Not only does the Riedel Horn Decanter do all of those things with style, it's also a functioning horn - which sounds absurd … until the first time you try it three bottles deep.
Either way, it's stunning to look at.
4. A Big Boy Toy: $1,300
Here's our chance to be kids again, limited only by our imaginations.
This ready-to-fly, beginner-friendly drone also comes with GPS, Wi-Fi, and a 1080p video camera.
Because there's a YouTube star in all of us.
5. A Croquet Set: $5,000
Young. Old.
Strong. Weak.
Man. Woman.
Drunk. Drunker.
It doesn't matter; croquet is the perfect summertime game for everyone.
It's also one of the few times Darwin doesn't salivate upon hearing someone say, "Hold my drink and watch this."
Jaques of London invented the game, and simply put, there is no finer croquet set.
6. A Great Book: $15 and up
A great book can be the perfect gift. After all, reading allows you to borrow someone else's brain.
Skip Piketty; that's like assigning homework, and there are plenty of cliff notes on the subject if Dad needs some dinner party talking points.
There are many great books out there, but Oprah's* #1 Book for Dad is now available for pre-order.
It won't ship in time for Father's Day, but if you email me a copy of the receipt and a contact number, I'll personally call your Dad and tell him a few offensive jokes.
*Janet "Oprah" Thompson lives in Quincy, MA. She is a voracious reader.
7. The Perfect Kitchen Knife: $1,700
These Japanese knives are hand-forged by Teruyasu Fujiwara, using traditional samurai sword making techniques that have been passed down through his family for generations.
Because not even Tom Cruise could ruin The Last Samurai for us.
8. Custom Casino-Quality Poker Chips: $300 and up
Poker chips are a clichéd staple of nearly every gift guide for a "real man," and are sold everywhere from Wal-Mart to Dunhill.
But, try taking it to the next level with some personalized, casino-grade clay chips from the same people that make them for the real casinos.
9. Sapphire & Diamond Dress Studs: $13,000
Black tie affairs are one of the few occasions where it's acceptable for a man to wear any kind of excessive bling.
These Asprey studs aren't cheap, but they'll definitely set him apart from the wait staff.
If his black tie events end the way mine do, just make to get them insured.
10. For the Dad who has everything: $425
Ours is not to reason why; 'tis but to poop gold… Yes, to literally sh*t gold.
Gwyneth Paltrow takes three of these every morning with her Activia.