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The offers and details on this page may have updated or changed since the time of publication. See our article on <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/cheaper-flights-with-vpn-2024-11" target="_blank">Business Insider</a> for current information.Affiliate links for the products on this page are from partners that compensate us and terms apply to offers listed (see our <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/personal-finance/our-partners" class="not-content-link" target="_blank">advertiser disclosure with our list of partners</a> for more details). However, our opinions are our own. See <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/personal-finance/credit-cards/how-we-rate-credit-cards" class="not-content-link" target="_blank">how we rate credit cards to write unbiased product reviews</a>.<ul class="summary-list"><li>A virtual private network (VPN) protects your online privacy and security through a secure server.</li><li>Some people also believe flights can be cheaper if you use a VPN. Here's what our research found.</li></ul>There are countless rumors on social media about the best ways to book flights for less. With the winter holidays approaching in the Northern Hemisphere, you can be sure that the more persistent among them will pop up in your feeds.In particular, someone may tell you that the trick to finding cheap airfare is to use <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/tech/what-is-vpn">a VPN</a> when you book. On the face of it, this makes sense. A VPN, or virtual private network, encrypts your data and masks your IP address, which ties your internet connection to a specific location. By using a VPN, you can appear to be in a different country from where you actually are. <h3>Why and when should you use a VPN?</h3>A VPN is great for eluding government censors, keeping safe from eavesdroppers, and viewing or streaming content from locations where it would be blocked. But would appearing to be in a different country result in cheaper airfare?We tested the premise against five of the <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/deals/best-vpn-deals">best VPNs</a>, and the results are pretty unequivocal: Flights aren't cheaper when you shop through a VPN.<h2>How we checked flight prices with a VPN</h2>We picked two popular routes in the United States at two popular travel times, using Google Flights to look up prices. We first searched flight prices via a regular connection to an Internet service provider in the US. Then we switched to a VPN, using five of the most popular services, and repeated the searches while appearing to be in a different country. The routes and times we picked were: <ul><li>Chicago to Seattle, around the Thanksgiving holiday, departing Tuesday, November 26, and returning Saturday, November 30</li><li>Nashville to New York City, for a long weekend just before Christmas, departing Thursday, December 12, and returning Monday, December 16</li></ul>Here's what we found for each VPN provider.<h2>ExpressVPN</h2><a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/tech/expressvpn-review">Express VPN</a> has proven its worth with its ease of use, clean interface, and straightforward installation on multiple devices. We've used it on the road, without a hitch, in dozens of different countries including China, where it bypassed the Great Firewall easily. Original flight price, Chicago to Seattle: $361ExpressVPN price: $361 Original flight price, Nashville to New York: $99ExpressVPN price: $99 The prices were the same, with or without VPN.Learn more at the <a href="https://secure.money.com/pr/p9e974312255" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Express VPN website</a>.<h2>NordVPN</h2><a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/tech/nordvpn-review">NordVPN</a><a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/tech/nordvpn-review"> stands out for the number of servers around the world it can use, and for its speed and reliability when streaming and gaming. </a>But when it came to flight booking, using NordVPN yielded the exact same prices for our sample flights as using a regular connection: Original flight price, Chicago to Seattle: $361NordVPN price: $361 Original flight price, Nashville to New York: $99NordVPN price: $99 Learn more at the <a href="https://secure.money.com/pr/s3d20bcf4593" target="_blank" rel="noopener">NordVPN website</a>.<h2>Surfshark</h2><a href="https://get.surfshark.net/aff_c?offer_id=1391&amp;aff_id=23760" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Surfshark</a> can use more than 3,200 servers across 100 countries, and has a wider selection of servers based in Africa than most competitors. But when it came to finding low fares for our sample flights, using Surfshark did not produce different results from other VPNs: the prices were the exact same.Original flight price, Chicago to Seattle: $361Surfshark VPN price: $361 Original flight price, Nashville to New York: $99Surfshark VPN price: $99 Learn more at the <a href="https://secure.money.com/pr/xd2b84ad818c" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Surfshark website</a>.<h2>Cyberghost</h2><a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/tech/cyberghost-vpn-review">Cyberghost</a> offers 24/7 live chat support and an especially good list of servers optimized for streaming, at relatively low prices. But when it comes to airfare? You guessed it: on Cyberghost's VPN, we found identical prices to a U.S.-based connection. Original flight price, Chicago to Seattle: $361Cyberghost VPN price: $361 Original flight price, Nashville to New York: $99Cyberghost VPN price: $99 Learn more at the Cyberghost website.<h2>PIA VPN</h2><a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/tech/private-internet-access-pia-vpn-review">Private Internet Access (PIA)</a> is a VPN with servers in 90 countries and the ability to block ads, trackers, and malware.Using it to look up our sample itineraries on Google Flights, though, found the same prices as searching from the US:Original flight price, Chicago to Seattle: $361PIA VPN price: $361 Original flight price, Nashville to New York: $99PIA VPN price: $99 Learn more at the <a href="https://www.privateinternetaccess.com/offer/insider_v2egnky" target="_blank" rel="noopener">PIA website</a>.<h2>Are flights cheaper with a VPN? </h2>The results are straightforward: No, flights are not cheaper with a VPN. Using several VPNs did not result in a single cent of difference in our test. But that does not mean that there aren't ways to find cheaper airfare. It just takes some flexibility. <h2>Travel hacks for cheaper flights</h2><h3>Travel mid-week</h3>For example, you can look for flights in the middle of the week, when fewer businesspeople travel and demand is often lower. Studies show the cheapest day to fly is Wednesday, and the most expensive Sunday. <h3>Avoid last-minute travel</h3>Booking in advance is a good idea, although you don't have to buy tickets months before flying.Try to book at least 21 days before departure; prices rarely go down after that window. <h3>Consider traveling from a different airport</h3>If you are based somewhere with access to multiple airports, you can also expand your search to more than one airport. Google Flights makes this easy by allowing you to search for flights from a given city rather than a single airport. If you look up flights from New York City, for example, the site will show results including all three main airports — JFK, LaGuardia, and Newark. Prices can differ significantly among them. <h2>What influences the price of flights?</h2>There are still misconceptions about some other hacks that can get you cheaper airfare. Unfortunately, they don't work, and here's why. <h3>Using your browser in incognito mode</h3>Websites track your online habits, so why wouldn't airlines tailor their prices to what they know about you? Airfare indeed fluctuates, but it does so according to factors that have nothing to do with your digital identity. Pricing is determined by algorithms based largely on demand. You won't defeat those algorithms by masking your identity with incognito mode, any more than you would by masking your location with a VPN. <h3>Booking on Tuesdays </h3>There's an old adage that booking on a Tuesday gives you lower prices. This may have been true when airlines loaded prices manually onto electronic systems, but pricing changes in real time these days. what day you fly, not on what day you book. Google Flights recently reported on the <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/cheapest-time-to-book-flights-thanksgiving-christmas-holidays-2024-10">cheapest time to book flights for Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays</a>. While flights really are cheapest on Tuesdays, according to historical data, they have only been 1.3% cheaper than tickets booked on Sundays — the most expensive day of the week for buying airfare. <h3>Some websites offer special rates or "secret" deals </h3>Online travel agencies (OTAs) like Expedia and its several competitors can sometimes find cheaper flights than you'll find directly from the airline, but you can see all of these rates via Google Flights. If an OTA has a lower price than the airline's own, it will be displayed in the search results. <h2>VPNs: When they're useful</h2>While a VPN can't reliably help you book cheaper flights, having one can protect your digital privacy and security, especially when you travel. VPNs allow you to get online through a private, secure server connection that makes your internet activity far more difficult to trace. They can also allow you to stream shows from other countries and access international websites from anywhere in the world.You can often find the <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/deals/best-vpn-deals">best VPN deals</a> on longer-term plans, typically by subscribing for a year or longer. Many companies also offer free trials so you can test out the service before you commit.

A popular TikTok travel hack recommends using VPNs to find cheaper flights, but other strategies work better

Why professional colored pencils are so expensive

<ul class="summary-list"><li>This summer, instead of sending our oldest to summer camp or day care, we kept her home.</li><li>I got a lot of quality time with her and it was nice to have a slower pace to our days.</li></ul>Sometime in mid-spring of this year, my wife and I started to panic."We have no <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/big-family-average-summer-day-what-its-really-like-2024-8">plans for the kids this summer</a>! What the heck are we going to do?"We'd been too overwhelmed to track down summer camps and get on registration wait lists, and spots were starting to fill up. We had to make some decisions, and fast.Then we had a crazy idea. What if we just… did nothing?No <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/kids-fly-alone-new-york-california-summer-camp-2024-6">summer camp</a>, no formal childcare at all. Would we all turn on each other by the end of the summer? Or could we somehow find a way to survive while working from home? We decided to give it a shot and find out.<h2 id="b602dd38-6bb5-43fc-9ed3-d33ac6e80d1e">We decided to keep our oldest at home this summer</h2>We have two daughters, a 9-year-old and a 3-year-old. Though our younger one would still be in <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/parents-children-fleeing-nyc-high-housing-daycare-costs-2024-6">day care</a> all week, we decided to keep our oldest home and keep her schedule relatively clear.There were a few reasons this made sense for our family.First was the cost. Most day camps in our area run at least $200 for a week (and that's being conservative). Add up a few of those, and the <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/childcare-too-expensive-unaffordable-2024-3">expense of day care</a> can really get out of hand, especially at a time when our budget was already hurting.To make matters worse, our daughter just didn't seem overly thrilled about most of the <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/parents-sent-me-camp-every-summer-made-me-independent-2024-6">camp options</a> out there. Many of the affordable ones are glorified daycares. Specialty camps that suited her interests better, like marine science camp, were even more expensive. She'd rather hang out with her own friends, so it seemed silly to break the bank on camps she didn't even want to go to.Finally, as she's gotten older, she's become <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/kids-organized-sports-benefits-rest-resilience-2024-7">super involved in sports</a>. This summer, she was on the swim team at our community pool and had soccer practice a few evenings a week. Ensuring she was rested up for sports and not exhausted from go-go-going all day was another big factor in this grand experiment.<div type="image" title="The author and his daughter standing outside a Pho restaurant and smiling." height="1737" width="2316" msid="112762865" hostid="261" sizebytes="339424"></div><h2 id="a0a3f149-7f02-43b4-99e6-e4472d8faa92">My daughter and I got more quality time together than we'd usually get</h2>This plan worked well because I got plenty of <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/one-on-one-time-children-mother-daughter-relationship-2023-11">time with my daughter</a> this summer.One idea that's always stuck with me is the myth of quality time, which says that you can't schedule important moments with your loved ones; you have to just be around them a lot and be ready for those meaningful moments when they happen naturally.I got that with my daughter this summer. Not every day was a magical bonding experience. Still, when I look back, I'll remember laughing while <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/therapist-patient-playing-video-games-2023-1">playing video games</a> together in the afternoon, having lunch with her every day, sneaking off to the pool after wrapping up work, and those few-and-far-between moments where she actually wanted to talk.It was also nice to have a slower pace to our days. With no set time to arrive at preschool for our little one and no camps to rush off to, everyone in the household could sleep in just a little bit longer. We also had plenty of time to get ready for evening soccer practice and prepare dinner.It was a nice break for us and, more importantly, for her. She works hard during the year with school, sports, and clubs. Even when she was bored and stuck watching TV, she repeatedly told me she was happy to have the downtime.To make it all work, we also enlisted some <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/single-mom-grandparents-help-raise-child-expectations-2024-4">help from the grandparents</a>. Once or twice a week, one of my daughter's grandmas would take her out shopping or to lunch for a few hours so I could get some focused work time. I know they all loved getting the time together that's so hard to get during the school year.<div type="image" title="The author and his daughter standing in a book store, he is holding up a book with the title 'Dad Camp.'" height="2268" width="3024" msid="112762871" hostid="261" sizebytes="462420"></div><h2 id="59ced883-69e5-4499-a8b2-7f9e8ef748e3">Not everything worked smoothly</h2>I went to a few summer camps as a kid, but I also spent a lot of summers running around the neighborhood with friends "until the streetlights came on," as the old cliché goes.In theory, I thought my daughter would do a lot of that this summer. But it didn't quite work out that way.One thing I forgot is that we live in Atlanta — and it's WAY too hot to <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/unsupervised-play-outdoors-kids-neighborhood-benefits-2024-5">be outside most of the time</a> during the summer. The other part of the theory that didn't translate into practice was that most of my daughter's friends would be in camp themselves, or otherwise on vacation. There were a few play dates, but a lot of the time, no one was really around.It kind of defeats the purpose of having an old-school summer when no one else is having one.So, I'm a little embarrassed to admit that my daughter ended up watching a lot more TV and having <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/ipad-kid-generation-tips-reduce-screen-time-2024-2">more iPad time</a> than we initially planned for. After all, I have a flexible job as a blogger, freelance writer, and author; but at some point, even I had to buckle down and get some work done. With no friends around and blazing temperatures outside, TV became a big help.I also have to admit that while I cherished some of the quality time we had together, there is such a thing as too much time with your kids. I got frustrated and claustrophobic at times, having my daughter on my hip all summer when I was trying to juggle work and other <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/judged-daughter-not-folding-laundry-cleaning-parenting-2024-6">household responsibilities</a>.Ultimately, our family didn't totally thrive during our summer of no childcare, but we did survive. And we saved a fortune by avoiding summer camps — which only worked for our household because my wife and I both work from home, and I have a lot of flexibility.The ups and downs of this summer already seem like a distant memory as we get re-acclimated to the hectic school schedule. Next year, both of my girls will be out of school, and we'll face the same conundrum again — only double! I don't know yet exactly how we'll handle it, but this summer experiment was a great learning experience for our family.

Instead of spending money on camp or day care, I kept my daughter home this summer. We got more quality time, but it was harder to work.

<ul class="summary-list"></ul>Although my dad has helped out over the years, my 64-year-old mother — a retiree and recent widow after my stepdad died in 2023 — supports me the most. Stating this makes me cringe. I feel immense shame over being in midlife and heavily reliant on my parents.Without a doubt, my mom expected to be free of dependents decades ago. At 40, she was planning <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/woman-retired-to-italy-at-55-despite-reducing-pension-2024-8">an early retirement</a>. But here I am, 39, unable to save a cent, in need of her financial support. While she lives alone, my kids and I occupy her townhouse.Although I pay rent to her, it is <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/gen-z-nyc-affordable-housing-lottery-rent-apartment-tour-brooklyn-2024-8">well below market rate</a>, utilities and internet are included, and accommodations are made when I don't have enough to pay. And that's not all. Over the years, she has gifted me vehicles, loaned me money, and given me cash outright.<h2 id="a56acc7d-234f-4632-928a-684d160714a2">At one point, I felt like I was on a good financial path</h2>At 19, with my mom and stepdad acting as guarantors and contributing a $35,000 deposit that I later paid back, I <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/renting-vs-buying-homeownership-wont-make-genz-rich-increase-wealth-2024-7">became a homeowner</a> of a townhouse like the one I am in now. I was otherwise financially independent, worked three jobs, had a good chunk of money saved, and my life was planned out. It looked like I was headed in the right direction.So, where did I go wrong? Simply put, several bad investments of different kinds — dead-end relationships, attempts at pursuing education, and career choices — led to my current state of financial affairs.I got married in 2009 while I was in university, and after putting nearly $20,000 toward a degree — all of which came from a <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/personal-finance/investing/best-529-plans">registered education savings plan</a> set up by my mom — I dropped out of school to start a family. Five years and two kids later, my marriage ended.<h2 id="efdec07f-41c4-4876-9518-92c5fa2a3670">After my divorce, I went back to school</h2>We settled outside court and, with his parents' guidance, split the assets my parents had helped me acquire. We also shared the debt, including a sizable amount I was completely oblivious to. To this day, I am not entirely sure how so much <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/married-separate-credit-cards-dont-fight-about-money-2023-11">shared debt was accrued</a>, but I assume a large portion was my ex-husband's education expenses and purchases he put on credit cards. Ultimately, I was left without the place I had owned for 10 years, chasing minimum-wage jobs. I spontaneously decided to become a practical nurse to put myself in a better position.After spending 18 months in full-time studies, acquiring additional specialized training, and working as a nurse, I was depleted. Not only was I feeling the effects of financial strain from the cost of school, but physical, mental, and ethical exhaustion had taken hold.Still, I resolved to pursue further education. I switched to a focus on psychology instead of nursing to establish a career I was passionate about that aligned with my values and would allow me a better work-life balance. I was aware that I would be in it for the long haul.Typically, to get a master's degree, a person will dedicate nearly seven years to their education: four years toward their bachelor's degree and two and a half years in a master's program. And that's only if they are taking a full course load. However, my course load has reflected my situation as a single mom; while other students typically enroll in five courses a semester, I have only taken three.<h2 id="027e5fb3-b90b-413b-a253-5bb232e40700">Another pregnancy made it hard to keep up, and I asked for help</h2>I thought I could simultaneously pick up nursing shifts and study, but an unexpected pregnancy decimated the chances of that. Although I tried to find a <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/working-from-home-remote-work-increased-layoff-risk-job-market-2024-2">job from home</a> — a remote position where I could work around a new baby and fit into my already stretched schedule — I was unsuccessful. I was unemployed, my student loans were insufficient to live off, and the little resources I had dwindled away, leaving me reliant on borrowed money.With inflation and the lack of other social support for parents in my position, after two years of staying at home with my youngest, I was <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/professor-student-loan-debt-suddenly-forgiven-2024-8">drowning in debt</a>. Luckily, I could still continue with school by signing up for remote education courses.Typical expenditures such as vehicle repairs and maintenance, dental fees, vet bills, and costs associated with raising kids continued to drain my bank. Feeding, clothing, sheltering, and shuttling around growing kids all but obliterated my budget. I would rack up my two credit cards and then, as soon as I got my student loan, would pay them off. But the interest charges were astronomical, and I was doing a terrible job juggling it all.I hit a breaking point one day, and after crying to my mom about my Visa debt, which was nearly $12,000, she offered to help me out. <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/parents-help-financially-call-it-loan-against-inheritance-2024-7">She loaned me money</a> to pay off that debt and told me I could pay my rent when I received my next student loan payment.Even though I feel embarrassed by my financial situation, I feel blessed. Not everyone has a family to back them like this. It seems no matter my age or what I need, my parents will come to my rescue, and I know I will do the same for my kids.As I am set to graduate next summer, I am one step closer to accomplishing my long-term goal of obtaining a master's in counseling psychology. While this means at least two and a half years of graduate school and more money, it will allow me to help people how I've always wanted to. And this is all possible because I have the support of my family. Though it's embarrassing to acknowledge how much help I've had to ask for along the way, I hope one day, in my career, I will support others to pursue lives that bring them happiness.

I'm a millennial mom of 3, and I rely on my mom's financial assistance

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The offers and details on this page may have updated or changed since the time of publication. See our article on <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/frugal-mom-fights-with-husband-when-kids-want-expensive-things-2024-8" target="_blank">Business Insider</a> for current information.<ul class="summary-list"><li>My frugal parents were ultra-cautious about spending money on my sister and me as children.</li><li>My husband's parents felt differently and freely gave to their sons — albeit within reason.</li></ul>My 16-year-old knows better than to come to me when she wants something expensive.It goes back to when I refused to buy a $160 pair of Ugg mini boots because the suede was impractical for mud and rain.Or maybe it was when she used my debit card to purchase Dunkin' Donuts for a snack and had <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/uber-eats-stops-new-york-deliveries-by-foot-pay-law-2024-6">Uber Eats deliver them</a> to her high school.My tendency to say "no" stems from sticker shock and the sound of my parents' objections inside my head. "Why on earth would I pay for that?" I hear my dad saying. "You'd better be kidding," my mom inevitably chimed in.Born in 1930 and 1936, they belong to the <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/greatest-generation-parents-need-smartphones-2023-12">so-called "silent generation,</a>" who lived through World War II and rationing in the UK. Their motto has always been "make do and mend."As a result, my sister and I wore hand-me-downs. We never had brand-name clothing or footwear. Mom once agreed to buy me a marked-down pair of shoes popular with the "in-crowd" in sixth grade. But I was ridiculed because they were a weird color and half a size too big.<h2 id="8960f8e8-2b40-461b-a855-bbd8e5668af4">My husband and I laugh about the different ways we were raised</h2>That's not to say I had a poor or unhappy childhood. My parents indulged us in other ways, investing in "experiences" like <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/family-camping-better-than-traditional-vacations-travel-tips-2024-3">adventurous camping trips</a> abroad that I'll remember for the rest of my life.However, now that I'm married with kids, mocking my frugal upbringing has become a bit of a family joke. My spouse teases me because my idea of luxury as a child was sleeping under a cotton duvet, not nylon sheets and itchy blankets.I'll counter with claims that he was born with a "sugar spoon" in his mouth. "You weren't spoiled, but you had skis," I'll laugh. He attended private school and routinely <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/solo-travel-surprising-things-american-in-europe-2023-3">flew to Europe on vacation</a>. His parents took him and his three brothers to fancy restaurants.We'll banter about our different upbringings, but it sometimes falls flat. We constantly clash over how much we spend on the kids.Birthdays and Christmas presents are particularly problematic. Left to his own devices, my husband could easily spend between $500 and $700 on each child.We recently argued over the $180 price of the <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/how-nike-air-jordan-1-became-most-prized-lifestyle-sneaker-2022-11">latest "must-have" sneakers.</a> I'd reluctantly agreed to buy them less than a year ago, but they needed replacing. "Can't we get something cheaper?" I said.<h2 id="1e527e24-14e3-47d3-81aa-bd4f9d8092b9">It's difficult to strike the right balance with expenses</h2>I've become the bad cop by insisting our kids pay a percentage of their allowance toward items like iPhones and video games. The jury is out on whether we'll hire a college admissions counselor at $100 an hour. "Surely it's something we can do ourselves?" I suggested.It's hard to balance the ledger. My husband once told me that teaching generosity starts at home. A friend said his penny-pinching parents made him think he didn't deserve "nice things," which broke my heart.In an ideal world, kids wouldn't bully each other for not wearing the "right" label. But it's natural for parents to want to protect their child from standing out from the crowd.As for my children, I'm proud that my daughter has <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/mom-blames-helicopter-parents-who-tried-find-her-a-job-2024-7">found a part-time job </a>to help fund her <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/gen-alpha-is-obsessed-with-skincare-aging-anxiety-2024-5">obsession with skincare</a>. My son is doing chores around the house because he wants a hideous animatronic for Halloween. I'm learning to compromise with my husband on expenditure.Still, I've told him to hide the price tags of big-ticket items he orders for the kids. I could do without the trigger.Do you have an interesting story about your parenting style you'd like to share with Business Insider? Please send details to <a target="_blank" href="mailto:jridley@insider.com">jridley@businessinsider.com</a>

My husband and I had opposite upbringings. We now clash on how to spend money on our kids.

<ul class="summary-list"><li>My husband and I both thought we wanted two kids.</li><li>However, after our son was born, we realized that a family of three was the right size for us. </li></ul>When I was young, I used to pretend I was a <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/loneliness-mother-twins-lacking-connection-2024-1">mom to twins</a>. Alexander and Alexandria had faces I couldn't quite envision, but I shuttled them from one place to another in my bedroom. Back then, I knew a family of four was the cultural norm, even though I was an only child.My parents had a good reason for our family size. I was <a target="_blank" href="https://longreads.com/2018/11/27/looking-inside-my-heart/">born with congenital heart disease</a> and had expensive open heart surgery as a toddler. We were a one-income family, so they fully invested in me. As a teenager, I traded playing house for summers at art camps in New York and the UK, where I wrote poetry and painted still lifes in oil. I learned to dream big and entered adulthood thinking I could be anything — an artist, a mother, anything. It was all on the table.I met and married another artist. Although we worried about how parenting would alter our career goals, I couldn't imagine not having children with him. But if we started a family, he told me he <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/only-child-have-kids-raising-hardship-difficulties-sole-parent-2024-2">wanted two kids</a>. At first, the thought of having my childhood fantasy come to life felt like dumb luck. Yet, days after our son was born, I feared I could never love another child as deeply as I loved him. I told my husband, "I'm not sure I have the space in my heart for two."<h2 id="d8d93f0f-f9e5-4742-b74f-f91937b295b3">Parenthood altered my relationship with my husband</h2>When my son was a newborn, I had <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/postpartum-depression-therapist-most-helpful-tips-new-mom-2023-6">postpartum depression</a>. By the time he was 1, the depression still hadn't subsided. My husband started an intensive project that provided significant financial stability. As a college professor, my summers, once reserved for creative projects, were reallocated to childcare.I developed a deep knowledge base of kid-friendly activities and reigned over our domestic sphere. I felt like I'd <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/motherhood-ambition-kids-work-parenthood-balance-2020-1">traded my ambition for motherhood</a>, and I resented the satisfaction my husband gained from his work even though it provided financial security for us.When we initially discussed having two kids, we talked about having them three years apart, but by my son's 2nd birthday, this idea no longer appealed to me. I started to realize that while I originally worried about not having space in my heart for <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/only-child-desire-multiple-children-family-2024-4">more than one child</a>, it might be more accurate to say that more than one child might not leave me enough room to still love myself.<div type="image" title="Jen Hyde with her husband and son, they are standing outside and smiling, wearing printed shirts." height="1184" width="1776" msid="112371994" hostid="261" sizebytes="275542"></div><h2 id="95f28077-9b96-48f9-86b7-78308647f9fc">We have so much as a family of three</h2>Around my son's 3rd birthday, my best friend asked <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/decided-not-to-have-second-child-no-regrets-2024-7">if we would have a second child</a>. Whenever people asked this, I gave a pragmatic answer, citing financial constraints. But I knew she craved a deeper truth. "Being a trio is actually perfect," I said, unsure at first if I believed myself.While the previous answers I'd given to this question had a ring of truth to them, they also weren't truly mine. They felt off-the-rack; they'd do in a pinch, but they weren't made for me. This answer felt tailor-made, and it fit perfectly. My son would <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/how-nyc-parents-got-kids-into-top-preschools-2021-2">start preschool</a> in the fall, and I would regain time. I needed this time to nurture my ambition. I knew that growing into myself would make me a better partner and mother.Later, I told my husband. He revealed he'd been working toward the same realization, though for him, it seemed like a more painful dream to let go of. He'd truly envisioned a future with two children, whereas, for me, it had been more abstract. Still, he said it before I could: "What we have is just as good."The three of us have so much. We have the financial ability to pay for summer camps and vacations, invest in <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/personal-finance/student-loans/529-college-savings-plans-by-state">college savings</a>, and buy a Bay Area home. We have time to work on our relationship and the capacity to help each other grow into ourselves for the rest of our lives.This doesn't mean we don't mourn the path we didn't follow. Every artist knows you finish a piece because it is time to be done, not because it is perfect. There will always be some kind of void in our lives, but building around it together deepens our relationship. What we have to work with is becoming just as wonderful and big.

My husband and I thought we wanted 2 kids, but having an only child made more sense for our family

<ul class="summary-list"><li>I moved frequently while I was growing up, and it was difficult for me to feel grounded.</li><li>When I became a parent, I knew I wanted my kids to have more stability than I did. </li></ul>I grew up moving often, attending at least two schools every year of my childhood until my junior year. My record was four different schools in eighth grade. There weren't any specific reasons for most of the moves; we weren't a <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/military-family-spent-savings-on-expensive-childcare-2024-6">military family</a> or moving due to work. My mom was just a bit flighty and had a hard time settling down anywhere, so she picked us up and left often. This made it incredibly hard to maintain friends or consistency in any area of my life.I picked up the trumpet only to leave it behind when the next school didn't have classes. I learned to tolerate running cross country in the Illinois winter to trade it for Miami's humidity. Thanks to my <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/moved-from-silicon-valley-california-memphis-tennessee-experienced-culture-shock-2023-10">time in Tennessee</a> and Georgia, my accent constantly shifted from a Southern drawl to a neutral one, which allowed me to fit in outside the Southern states.While these experiences instilled some qualities in me that I'm grateful for, such as <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-make-friends-as-adult-moving-cities-nyc-la-2023-9">ease in making friends</a> and my love of experiencing new places, for me, the benefits didn't outweigh the negatives.<h2 id="d510663c-8f1b-448a-9fb3-17fd21536df7">I had a hard time developing a sense of self or feeling grounded</h2>Moving so often taught me to be a chameleon. I didn't spend time trying to figure out what I liked. Instead, I figured out what would make me the most acceptable version of myself to the most new people. I learned fairly early on that making friends was a pointless endeavor. I'd find myself with a best friend just before another move was announced. And then I'd find myself <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/small-town-life-moving-to-new-york-city-2021-6">in a new town</a>, friendless, and starting over again.These experiences made it hard for me to form a strong sense of self or feel grounded. The coping mechanisms and behaviors I picked up to help me through this time, like being quick to let go of friendships or not feeling connected to any one place, served me well for childhood but ultimately became unhelpful when I started to settle into life as an adult. It took me a long time to unlearn those lessons and to let people into my life, and these weren't traits I wanted to cultivate in my kids.<h2 id="3fd066d0-93c0-4e7c-b470-50af32aa9364">As a parent, I focus on creating routines and stability</h2>When I became a parent, I read about the benefits of routines for children and the security that familiarity provides. I prioritized creating a predictable <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/bedtime-cuddles-kids-sleep-open-conversations-2024-7">routine for sleep</a> and eating schedules during my kids' infancy and toddlerhood.As they entered early childhood, we established clear rules around bedtimes, screen time, and how much candy is appropriate to eat, among other things. We have also stayed in the house we bought when I was pregnant with our first child nearly 13 years ago.As they have grown, we have built family rituals such as Friday Family Night, where we take turns deciding what to do as a group. The only rule is that you cannot complain about the choice of the week, or you will lose your next turn to pick.We have an advent calendar countdown to Christmas, an Easter party that friends near and far attend, and birthday traditions that span the entire day. These all add another layer of predictability to their lives and give our kids a sense of <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/changed-kids-names-to-include-my-last-name-2024-4">family identity</a> and belonging. Plus, they are just plain fun.I know I can't protect my kids from change, nor would I want to. But I hope that the scaffolding of predictable routines and rituals as a foundation in their lives will give them the support they need to handle big changes when they arise.So far, such as when we <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/grandmother-family-caregiver-death-guilt-2024-2">lost their grandmother</a>, our family dog died, or we had to figure out how to fly home from Amsterdam in mid-March of 2020 amid the start of the pandemic, it seems to have helped them have the skills they need to manage tough feelings around big events.<h2 id="df3758ab-7fc0-4b08-b449-c54bb3626423">I leave room for some spontaneity, too</h2>I don't want my kids to be too routine-driven, though, either, as I understand the value of flexibility and spontaneity. So, I try to give them opportunities to get <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/unsupervised-play-outdoors-kids-neighborhood-benefits-2024-5">out of their comfort zones</a>, too. Whether that is new foods, travel, or just wiggle room in our usual rules and schedule, I want them to see potential joy in unknowns.I just don't want those things to come at the expense of their ability to feel that there is a place where they belong that belongs to them. As a parent, I know I can't be perfect. But I can be predictable and give them a dependable home they can return to at any point.

When I was a kid, I moved every few months. Now that I'm a parent, I focus on creating stability for my family.

<ul class="summary-list"><li>I had two sons in my 20s and my daughter just before I turned 40.</li><li>With my sons, I felt less pressure to be their role model.</li></ul>I have always disliked the term "mini-me" in reference to children. I've always felt it to be a dangerous setup for both parent and child. I know it's an innocent term of endearment, but a child is not meant to be a replica of you — they're another <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/twin-who-had-twins-is-raising-them-to-be-individuals-2023-7">distinct human being</a> with their own preferences, ideas, and feelings.As a mother of two teenage boys, perhaps I felt even more removed from the idea. I couldn't relate because my children were boys and could never be my mini. But since I <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/overachieving-parent-burnout-learned-ask-help-2024-7">had a daughter</a> almost four years ago, I've realized that whether I embrace the term or not, I have a tiny person living in my home who — at least for now — aspires to be just like me.<h2 id="e57eec09-238a-4905-9bb4-cde7c4c48952">My daughter looks up to me</h2>I've noticed my daughter's eyes scanning me for clues on how she should show up. She looks me over, studies my presentation, and then mimics what she sees. She's at that stage where she wants to do what I do — if I'm typing on my iPad, for example, she grabs her toy version and types along.She wants to wear what I wear — if I lace on my sneakers instead of my sandals, she runs to put on hers, too. She wants to eat what I eat and drink what I drink, and may or may not have already developed a taste for really good coffee.I have always been a bit of a maverick, my own individual. I never aspired to <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/how-i-raised-successful-adults-making-education-fun-2023-11">be a role model</a> in that way. But she holds up a mirror not only to who I am but who I may be inadvertently modeling for her to become.If this tiny, impressionable person wants to mimic everything I do, I've had to start asking myself: What exactly am I doing?<h2 id="2964df91-8e53-4bfe-8575-02bab0a5768f">It made me realize that what I do has more weight now</h2>Acknowledging her watchful eyes, I realize that my choices matter, so I've intentionally leaned in to displaying <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/teach-kids-destigmatize-fat-eat-food-no-judgment-moral-value-2023-11">more self-love and healthy habits</a>.For example, I may make a colorful salad and offer her a bite to encourage her to eat more vegetables. Or, if I go for a walk and she wants to tag along, I explain to her that mommy is exercising, so maybe that's something she'll also deem important and want to do, too.When I'm <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/learning/how-to-learn-french-fast-online-courses-apps-duolingo-babbel-rosetta-stone">practicing my French</a> on DuoLingo, I let her get involved. She presses the bright green "continue" buttons at the end of each exercise and adorably tries to sound out the phrases in French.I've realized it's not so bad having a mini shadowing me. It's a huge responsibility but such an honor and opportunity.I know that her mimicry isn't limited to her clothing choices or food; she will also see me when I am being kind, loving, and full of grace for others. Maybe she'll aspire to copy those parts of how I show up, too.Knowing she's watching makes me conscious of the parts of myself I can still improve in real time so that, hopefully, she'll grow up not just like me but better. So, I try my best to be an advocate for myself, <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/the-right-way-to-set-boundaries-with-people-2023-10">set strong boundaries</a>, and practice putting myself first.<div type="image" title="Amanda Miller Littlejohn's daughter standing in their house and smiling while wearing an outfit with rainbows on it." height="4032" width="3024" msid="112244790" hostid="261" sizebytes="383388"></div><h2 id="c7c116e0-7db7-4e71-a9df-d15bdcdcc2b8">I want her to see me have a healthy relationship with myself, as well as others</h2>Aside from influencing how she acts or treats others, having a daughter has made me consider how I'm modeling a woman's relationship to herself.I don't want to <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/burnout-work-boss-left-office-on-stretcher-2024-4">normalize burnout</a> or martyrdom for her — that's a pattern I've seen play out way too often among myself and the women in my family. I have a more expansive vision and a different dream for her. I want her to be the pattern breaker.I want her to see me being kind to myself instead of hard-driving and perfectionistic. I want her to feel my energy as playful, warm, and loving — not stressed and on edge. I want her to see me reveling in motherhood, not slogging through one day to the next.I know my example matters, so I make sure she sees me making time for my friends, doing my <a target="_blank" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/lazy-girl-easy-skincare-routine-2023-8">fancy 7-step skincare routine</a>, and writing my book instead of deferring my dreams until some far-off future date. I also make sure she sees me enjoying my coffee in my expensive porcelain china instead of the chipped promotional mugs.I want her to see me baking the banana bread for everyone and serving myself a healthy slice, too — not just giving myself the crumbs.

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