1. When you really aren't sorry.
We've all witnessed the classic "non-apology apology" where someone thinks they've said they're sorry but they really haven't.
"Dogs can tell when we're not being sincere, so if your 'I'm sorry' drips with sarcasm or oozes insincerity and you're merely saying it because you think it will make the problem go away or get you out of the doghouse, then don't say it," Kerr advises. "Leave it for when you genuinely are sorry and want to convey ownership over on an issue."
2. When you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.
If you're one of those people who just says "I'm sorry" as a filler phrase or to come off as polite, think carefully about whether what you're about to say is something you'd actually need to apologize for.
For instance, "I'm sorry but I have to use the restroom" is not the best way to say that. Instead, you should go with: "Excuse me while I use the restroom."
3. When you are making a decision that involves sticking to your core principles or values.
Never apologize for doing the right thing or sticking to what you believe in.
For example, "I'm sorry but I can't lie to the client" should not begin with an apology.
"Never be sorry for sticking up for your beliefs and showing integrity," says Kerr.
4. When you needlessly plant an issue in people's minds that wasn't even there before.
A classic case of this is starting off a business presentation by apologizing: "I'm sorry, but I didn't have much time to work on this talk as I would have liked so I hope you'll bear with me."
"All you've done is set yourself up for failure beforehand and needlessly put the audience in a defensive posture," says Kerr.
5. When we automatically assume it will lead to forgiveness.
A lot of people feel a well timed "I'm sorry" is all it will take to be totally forgiven, but that's an unrealistic expectation.
"Saying you're sorry is only part of the process and depending on the context, the person you're apologizing to may not be ready to forgive you, or feel it's warranted," says Kerr.
6. When you use it as a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card.
If a person uses a phrase such as, "I'm sorry but I just wasn't able to finish it on time. My bad!" thinking that their "I'm sorry" abdicates all responsibility, it can become a serious issue, he warns.
7. When you are quitting your job.
"I'm sorry, but I've received a better job offer."
It may sound like you are just being polite because you may feel as though you are letting people down, "but the reality, with any situation comparable to this, is that you're not sorry — you're likely ecstatic that you've received a better job offer," Kerr explains. "Apologizing in these situations also sets up the possibility for people to play the guilt card on you. 'Well, if you're really sorry then you can start by …'"
8. When you had nothing to do with the cause of a problem.
Save your apologies for when you are taking 100% ownership over something that you have or haven't done, and they'll be that much more effective and powerful.
9. When you are having a passionate debate over idea and disagreeing with someone.
Some people feel inclined to use "I'm sorry" in these situations because they feel it will soften the conflict. "Saying 'I'm sorry but I just don't agree with that idea' is unnecessary filler and can make you sound defensive rather than confident about offering another perspective," Kerr says.
10. When you are genuinely upset over someone's bad behavior.
"I'm sorry, but you just can't make sexist comments like that in here."
"The person who should be saying they're sorry is the person making the sexist comment, not you for holding them to task," Kerr explains. "Saying 'I'm sorry' minimizes your own feelings and plants the seed that perhaps, just maybe, you're the one who should be sorry."
11. Before you ask a favor of someone.
"I'm sorry, but would you mind helping me?" or "I hate to have to ask, but could you help me with ... ?" are horrible ways to preface a request.
If you're really that sorry or feel that badly about it, you wouldn't be asking.
Just jump right into the request, or start with a compliment, like, "I know you're great with Excel. Would you mind helping me with this spreadsheet?"